**Adam Carolla Still Believes 'Woke' Is Why His '97 Ford Taurus Won't Start, Demands Apology from Battery**
*LOS ANGELES, CA* — In a move that shocked absolutely no one, professional curmudgeon and "Man Show" relic Adam Carolla has reportedly spent the last 72 hours screaming at his dead car battery, insisting that the problem isn't a corroded terminal, but rather a "deep state conspiracy" and "micro-aggressions from the alternator."
Carolla, 60, was seen hopping on one foot outside his garage, exclaiming, "You see?! This is what happens when you let a lithium-ion battery think it's a copper-lead battery! Back in the '90s, a battery just started the car. It didn't complain about 'energy equity' or 'carbon footprint.' You want to know why my truck won't start? It's because of everyone being too sensitive about the *climate*."
Sources say Carolla then attempted to jump-start the vehicle using only monologue transcripts from his "roast of middle schoolers" podcast, which resulted in a small fire.
**AITA** for thinking this is just a slow-motion cry for help? **TL;DR** - Adam Carolla tries to jump-start his car with main character energy, gets zero volts and 100% cringe. 😂🔋