**BREAKING: Texas Election Results Drop, & Surprise, Surprise… It’s Still Texas**
AUSTIN, TX – In a shocking twist that has left absolutely nobody who’s ever looked at a map of the US surprised, the Texas primary results are in. AITA for laughing at the out-of-state pundits who are currently acting shocked that, yes, Ted Cruz is still a weasel and yes, people in rural Texas are really, really into the Second Amendment? TL;DR: The sky is blue, water is wet, and the guy with the "Don't Tread on Me" flag on his truck beat the centrist who tried to shake hands with a union rep. The closest race of the night? Two Republicans arguing over who hates "woke" harder. The winner is now currently on track to pass a bill requiring all elementary school children to field strip an AR-15. Reddit, do your thing.