Tom Cruise rolled into London this week for the big premiere of *Digger*, a movie whose plot I genuinely could not describe to you under oath, and the whole thing went exactly how you'd expect.
That smile that says "I do all my own cardio." The man is 62 and still rappelling off buildings like the rest of us are the ones who need to take it easy.
But because the internet cannot let a single nice moment exist, Kate Middleton's name got yanked into the group chat within about four hours.
Cruise and the Princess of Wales have crossed paths before at royal events, and every single time, the tabloids treat them like they're the leads in a slow-burn rom-com.
One handshake at a gala four years ago and suddenly there's "a bond." A shared laugh at a premiere and it's "unlikely friendship nobody saw coming." Now *Digger* opens, Kate isn't even there, and half the coverage is still sneaking her into the headline like a plus-one who RSVP'd maybe.
Cruise showed up, worked the carpet, waved at fans, presumably did one of those sprints that makes photographers weep with gratitude, and went home.
She's been doing nothing, publicly, for months while dealing with actual health stuff, which is a sentence no one in the British press seems capable of typing without adding eleven paragraphs of speculation.
Because the algorithm loves a pairing, and a movie premiere is apparently close enough to a *Titanic* moment for the internet to start sketching heart-shaped icebergs.
Reddit, to its credit, called it out instantly.
Top comment on one thread was basically "leave the woman alone, she's got enough going on." Second comment was "Cruise would absolutely jump out of a plane for her and we'd all watch." Both true.
The real takeaway is that we've built a media machine that cannot process a single A-list premiere without manufacturing a crossover event.
Cruise is trying to sell tickets to *Digger*.
Those two goals have nothing to do with each other, and yet here we are, three thousand words deep into "insider" quotes from someone's cousin's dog groomer.
If you're wondering whether *Digger* is good, the reviews are mixed, the stunts are real, and Cruise will probably be doing his own dental work in the sequel.
If you're wondering why Kate's name is attached to a Tom Cruise press tour, the answer is clicks.
A premiere happened, a search engine needed a second keyword, and a princess who has never met a stunt ramp got conscripted into the marketing plan.
Anyway, the man ran up the side of a building for a photo op and we spent the day debating the romantic subtext of a handshake from 2021.
Final Thoughts
Genuinely, we deserve whatever the next news cycle does to us.