There are exactly two types of people in this country: those who wake up and choose violence, and Ben Affleck, who apparently wakes up and chooses to look like a man who just lost a custody battle to a Dunkin' cup.
The man was spotted in Los Angeles this week clutching an iced coffee the size of a fire extinguisher, wearing a face that screamed "I have made several decisions and I regret most of them." The photo went viral in roughly eleven seconds, which in internet time is basically a geological era.
Let's be clear about what we're dealing with here.
A guy who directed a movie that made grown men cry.
And yet every single time he steps outside, he becomes America's favorite sad Batman meme.
There's a whole genre of internet content dedicated to this man just existing near a beverage.
Now, the defense attorneys (afflecktorneys, if you will) will tell you he's just a guy who likes coffee and hates paparazzi.
Also wildly boring, which is why nobody's buying it.
The internet wants a man in a rumpled jacket looking like he just remembered he left the oven on in 2003.
In a world of carefully curated celebrity Instagram feeds and PR-managed smiles, Affleck is out here providing a public service: reminding us that being rich and famous does not, in fact, exempt you from looking profoundly unwell in a parking lot.
That's the American dream in a paper cup.
The memes write themselves, which is exactly the problem.
Every few months we get a fresh batch, and every few months we all pretend this is the one that finally crosses a line.
Dunkin' should be paying him a salary, or at the very least naming a donut after him.
Something with a dark center and a slightly bitter finish.
Here's the thing nobody wants to admit: we'd be devastated if he ever got it together.
If Ben Affleck showed up looking calm, hydrated, and emotionally stable, the internet would have nothing to do.
He is carrying an entire content ecosystem on his weary, coffee-stained shoulders, and he never asked for the job.
So the next time you see a grainy photo of a famous man looking like his dog just died and his car got towed in the same afternoon, remember: this is a gift.
This is the closest thing we have to a national pastime that doesn't require a subscription. **Our take:** Leave the man alone, but also never stop posting the photos.
Final Thoughts
It's a fine line, and we're all walking it badly, just like he is.