So the election is still happening, which is apparently a sentence I have to write in October of an even-numbered year.
The polls are tight, the maps are red and blue, and everyone on your timeline has suddenly become a certified data analyst with a Substack about it.
If you were hoping for a quiet news cycle, I have bad news and also some worse news.
Let's start with the obvious: the swing states are doing their thing again.
Pennsylvania is being treated like the last slice of pizza at a party full of people who claimed they weren't hungry.
Every candidate has basically moved into the state, and at this point I'm pretty sure a canvasser has knocked on my door three times and asked if I'd like to talk about "the future of the country" while I'm holding a trash bag.
The early voting numbers are rolling in and everyone is interpreting them like they're reading tea leaves in a hurricane.
One side says it's a good sign, the other side says it's a bad sign, and the actual truth is that nobody knows anything until the votes are counted.
This has not stopped approximately four million people from posting screenshots of county-level data with captions like "this is huge." Meanwhile, the money situation is exactly what you'd expect from a country that treats campaigns like a Kickstarter that never ends.
Billionaires are writing checks, super PACs are running ads about how the other guy personally ruined your commute, and you cannot watch a single YouTube video without a 30-second spot telling you that America is at a crossroads.
We've been at this crossroads since 1776.
The debates happened, or maybe they're still happening, or maybe there's another one scheduled that everyone will forget about by Thursday.
Either way, the takes were hotter than a gas station burrito.
People who watched said the candidates did great, people who didn't watch said the candidates did terrible, and the rest of us just scrolled past the clips on mute.
Some are filed before the votes are even counted, which feels a little like suing a restaurant before you order.
Election officials are out here begging people to be patient, which is like asking a toddler to wait for cake.
Our national brand is refreshing a results page every 45 seconds and then complaining that nothing has changed.
Here's the thing nobody wants to hear: we probably won't know the final result on election night.
That's not a conspiracy, that's just math and also the year 2024 refusing to give us a clean ending.
Buckle up, mute your group chats, and maybe go outside for a walk.
The country will still be here when you get back. **My take:** Everyone is exhausted, everyone is certain, and everyone is wrong about at least one thing.
Final Thoughts
The only real election update is that we're all going to be insufferable for the next few weeks, and then we'll do it again in two years.