By an anonymous guy who peaked during a fantasy football draft So apparently we're all supposed to be "marking our calendars" for a bunch of upcoming events, as if any of us have functioning calendars and not just a graveyard of missed dentist appointments and expired Groupons.
Buckle up, because the next few months are serving up a buffet of chaos that ranges from mildly interesting to "why is everyone screaming about this on X" levels of unhinged.
First up, the election-adjacent everything.
You thought your feed was insufferable now?
Every other post is going to be a stranger from Ohio explaining why your entire worldview is a psyop.
Your uncle is drafting a Facebook essay as we speak.
Thanksgiving is going to feel like a UN summit where everyone forgot their medication.
Then we've got the holiday gauntlet, which technically starts before Halloween now because capitalism fears no calendar.
Mariah Carey is presumably defrosting in a lab somewhere.
Stores will be playing "Jingle Bell Rock" while you're still deciding whether to buy discounted candy corn.
And somehow, every single one of us will spend more than we planned and swear we'll do better next year, which is a lie we tell ourselves with impressive consistency.
Let's not forget the sports industrial complex.
There's always some championship, some playoff, some "game of the century" that's really just three hours of commercials with occasional athletic intermissions.
Someone will lose money on a parlay and take it out on you personally.
Oh, and award season is creeping up like a slow-motion car crash of gowns and acceptance speeches that run long.
Everyone will pretend they've seen all the nominated films, and nobody will admit they watched exactly none of them and just Googled the plot summaries.
The discourse will be exhausting and utterly unavoidable.
Here's the thing nobody wants to hear: these events aren't the main character.
Or at least you could be, if you stopped doomscrolling long enough to notice that half this stuff is manufactured to keep you engaged, outraged, and buying things.
The calendar is a suggestion, not a subpoena.
Either way, the events are coming, and your group chat is already a war zone.
Final Thoughts
The only real question is whether you'll bring snacks or just bring opinions.