In a landmark 6-3 decision handed down Tuesday, the Supreme Court ruled that the Constitution—a document famously written by hand on parchment in 1787—actually contains a hidden clause that allows nine unelected people in robes to decide basically everything for 330 million Americans.
Legal scholars are calling it "the most important ruling since the last one, which was also this." The majority opinion, penned by a justice who declined to be named because he was "tired of all the questions," argued that the Founding Fathers clearly intended for all major policy decisions to be made by a small group of lawyers who went to the same two law schools. "It is self-evident," the opinion reads, "that democracy is best exercised by people who have never once had to wait on hold with the DMV." The dissenting justices wrote a sharply worded 47-page rebuttal, which legal experts say was mostly just them yelling into a void. "We dissent," the dissent began, before going on to note that the majority had, once again, simply made stuff up and called it originalism.
The ruling takes effect immediately, meaning that as of press time, the Supreme Court now controls your thermostat settings, your choice of breakfast cereal, and whether your local library can stay open on Sundays.
A spokesperson for the Court said the justices were "just trying to help" and asked that Americans "please stop emailing us about the cereal thing." Legal analysts say the decision is groundbreaking in that it unites both parties, who for once agree that this is insane. "We've never seen the country this unified," said one analyst. "Everyone hates this equally.
It's beautiful." In a related development, the Court also announced it will begin hearing oral arguments via a livestream on Twitch, where viewers can donate "bits" to influence swing votes.
Chief Justice Roberts reportedly already has a "Top Donor" badge.
The White House issued a statement saying it was "reviewing the decision" and would "respond accordingly," which is Washington-speak for "we have no idea what to do and are going to go home early." Congress, meanwhile, held a moment of silence for its own relevance, then adjourned for the weekend.
Polls show that 78% of Americans believe the Supreme Court has become a political institution, while the remaining 22% believe it always was and are just tired. "I stopped paying attention after the third time they overturned something I liked," said one voter in Ohio. "Now I just assume they're going to ruin my week and plan accordingly." The Court is expected to hear arguments next month on whether it can simply rule on everything forever, effectively replacing Congress, the President, and your local HOA.
Early indications suggest the justices are leaning yes. **Opinion:** At this point, the only thing less surprising than a Supreme Court ruling that reshapes American life is the fact that we all just shrug and go back to scrolling.
Final Thoughts
The Court has become the ultimate reality show—nine judges, no accountability, and a new plot twist every season.