The Supreme Court handed down a ruling this week that legal experts are calling "technically a decision" and "definitely something that happened." In a 6-3 split along lines that will shock absolutely no one, the Court determined that a previously unknown constitutional principle has been hiding in the penumbras for 200 years, patiently waiting for the right group of robed philosophers to discover it.
Legal scholars scrambled to locate the exact clause in question, eventually identifying it somewhere between the Commerce Clause and a footnote in a 1789 letter about horse breeding. "We're thrilled," said one attorney who asked to remain anonymous, mostly because he was making all of this up. "This ruling clarifies that the Constitution means whatever five justices had for breakfast." The majority opinion, clocking in at 87 pages, spends 60 of those pages explaining why stare decisis is a sacred principle that must be respected, followed by 27 pages explaining why they're ignoring it.
The dissent, meanwhile, was written entirely in italics, which constitutional scholars confirm is the judicial equivalent of yelling "ARE YOU KIDDING ME" into a pillow.
Reaction poured in from across the political spectrum.
Supporters called it "a bold defense of liberty," opponents called it "a bold defense of something else entirely," and approximately 40 million Americans called it "wait, what did they actually decide?" — a question that remains unanswered because nobody reads past the first paragraph of anything anymore.
The White House issued a statement expressing "deep concern" while simultaneously doing nothing, which sources describe as "the entire job." Meanwhile, three states announced they would immediately pass laws contradicting the ruling, two announced they would ignore it, and one announced it would secede, then clarified it was joking, then clarified it wasn't sure.
Corporate America responded with characteristic speed, with several major companies updating their terms of service within hours to include a new clause that says the Supreme Court can't tell them what to do.
Wall Street rallied briefly, then remembered it was Tuesday, then fell.
The Dow ended the day up 12 points, down 300 points, and exactly where it started, depending on which headline you clicked.
Constitutional originalists celebrated the decision as "a return to the Framers' intent," despite the Framers being dead and therefore unavailable for comment.
One historian noted that the Framers probably intended for people to stop arguing about them 250 years later, but acknowledged that ship had sailed sometime around 1791.
The ruling takes effect immediately, except in circuits where it doesn't, which is most of them, pending further litigation that will almost certainly reach this same Court, which will almost certainly reverse itself, which will almost certainly be called "settled law" until it isn't.
Legal experts advise Americans to consult a lawyer, a therapist, and possibly a Magic 8-Ball before making any decisions based on this ruling, or any other ruling, or really anything at all. **The bottom line:** The Supreme Court has once again proven that the only consistent thing about constitutional law is that it's whatever the majority says it is on any given Thursday.
If you're confused, don't worry — so are the justices, probably.
Final Thoughts
Democracy is a group project, and someone definitely forgot to do their part.