There are two kinds of people in this world: those who see a rusted-out mini excavator listed on Facebook Marketplace and keep scrolling, and those who hear a tiny voice whisper *you could fix that*.
Meet Dave Kowalski of Akron, Ohio—a man who chose poorly, and gloriously.
Dave, a 44-year-old insurance adjuster with zero construction experience, dropped $8,000 on a 1998 Kubota that hadn't run since the Bush administration.
His wife, Marlene, reportedly stared at the Craigslist screenshot for a full thirty seconds before asking if this was a "midlife crisis thing" or a "we're getting divorced thing." "I told her it was an investment," Dave said, standing proudly next to a machine currently leaking hydraulic fluid onto his driveway at a rate of roughly one quart per hour. "She said, 'An investment in what?' And honestly, I didn't have a follow-up." The internet, as it does, got involved.
Dave started posting his repair saga on a Facebook group for heavy equipment enthusiasts, where 60,000 strangers now tune in daily to watch a man who once confused a torque wrench with a ratchet slowly dismantle his own sanity, bolt by bolt.
Reddit's r/JustRolledIntoTheShop picked up the thread last Tuesday.
The top comment, with 47,000 upvotes, read simply: "This man is going to dig one (1) hole and then sell it for $4K.
Calling it now." The second-most-upvoted comment was a link to a divorce attorney's website.
Dave finally got the thing running last weekend.
Roughly four feet deep and completely pointless.
Within 48 hours, three separate neighbors had knocked on his door asking if he could "swing by" and help with their own backyard problems.
A third, inexplicably, asked if Dave could dig a trench for a "home theater cable situation" that he refused to elaborate on.
He charges $40 an hour, which he admits is "probably too low," and has already made back $1,200.
His Yelp page—created without his knowledge by the koi pond guy—has a 4.8-star rating. "I'm not a professional," Dave told a local news crew that showed up after someone posted a TikTok of him nearly backing into his own mailbox. "I want to be extremely clear about that.
I am a guy with a machine and a dream and also a very patient wife who has stopped asking questions." The viral moment came Thursday when Dave, attempting to dig a simple drainage ditch for a neighbor, accidentally unearthed what appeared to be an old septic tank lid.
Comments range from "this is the most Ohio thing I've ever seen" to "someone get this man a permit" to "I would die for Dave." Legal experts on Reddit's r/legaladvice have already weighed in, noting that operating heavy machinery without proper licensing, insurance, or really any clue what you're doing is "a fantastic way to lose your house in a lawsuit." Dave's response: "Noted.
Anyway, I've got a ditch to finish." The excavator's name is Betsy.
Betsy does not respond, which Dave interprets as "playing hard to get." So what's the takeaway here?
Maybe it's that America loves a guy who buys a terrible machine and refuses to admit defeat.
Or maybe it's that we're all just one impulsive purchase away from becoming a minor local celebrity with a hydraulic leak and a dream.
Final Thoughts
Either way, if you need a hole dug in northeast Ohio, you know who to call.