Another year, another batch of iPhone rumors designed to make your current phone feel like a relic from the Bronze Age.
Apple hasn't confirmed a single thing, but the internet's leak economy is running at full steam, and the vibes suggest we're in for the usual mix of genuine upgrades and features you'll forget exist after a week.
The headline everyone's whispering about is a slimmer "Air" model that supposedly trades battery life for the privilege of being thin.
Because nothing says innovation quite like removing stuff and charging you more for the empty space.
If you've ever wanted a phone that's 4mm thick and dead by lunch, congratulations, your moment may be approaching.
Word on the street is the Pro models might finally get a bigger sensor and some kind of variable aperture, which is the kind of spec that makes photography nerds emotional and everyone else say "my photos already look fine." The selfie cam might jump to 24 megapixels, which is great news for people who need to document themselves at higher resolution than most movie theaters project.
On the display front, rumor has it Apple's finally bringing a high refresh rate to the base models.
Only took them roughly five years to give non-Pro buyers the same smooth scrolling that mid-range Android phones have had since the Trump administration.
Speaking of courage, there's chatter about an even thinner design across the board, plus a possible new chip that's faster and more efficient.
Translation: your apps will open a quarter-second faster and you'll never notice.
The battery will probably still need a midday top-off, but hey, it'll look great doing it.
And because Apple loves a good upsell, expect the Pro Max to get some exclusive feature that the regular Pro doesn't.
The details are murky, but the pattern is not: the best stuff costs extra, and the "affordable" model is just expensive with fewer cameras.
Release timing is the usual guess — September, right on schedule, because Apple treats its calendar like a religion.
Pricing rumors range from "same as last year" to "please sit down before reading this," which narrows it down to basically nothing.
Every year the leaks promise the moon, the keynote delivers a slick video with dramatic music, and we all line up to buy a phone that's 8% better than the one already in our pocket.
If you're still rocking a three-year-old iPhone, this upgrade might actually be worth it.
Final Thoughts
If you bought one last year, maybe sit this one out and let the rest of us fund Tim Cook's next yacht.