It’s Thanksgiving, the tryptophan is kicking in, and my sister-in-law, Brenda, corners me by the mashed potatoes.
She’s got this new “business opportunity” that’s going to “change lives” and “unlock my true potential.” Spoiler alert: it’s an MLM.
She calls it “Thema.” Sounds exotic, right?
Like a wellness retreat in Bali or a new strain of artisanal kombucha.
In reality, it’s a $500 starter kit, a Facebook group full of vague inspirational quotes, and a garage full of “proprietary” essential oils that smell like a craft store threw up.
The pitch is always the same: “It’s not a pyramid scheme, it’s a reverse funnel system.” Cool.
She pitched my wife, my mom, and—and I cannot stress this enough—my 14-year-old niece.
She’s telling a teenager that she can “be her own boss” if she just “invests” her babysitting money.
That’s a recruitment quota with extra steps.
I finally snapped when Brenda asked us to buy three “Thema” candles for $45 each as a “Christmas gift to ourselves.” I told her, politely, that I’d rather light $135 on fire and roast marshmallows over it.
My mother-in-law says I’m being “unsupportive.” My wife says I could’ve been nicer.
Brenda says I’m “negative energy.” Look, I get it.
The economy is a dumpster fire and everyone’s looking for a life raft.
But there’s a difference between selling handmade candles on Etsy and a system where 99% of people lose money while the top 1% post photos from a rented Airbnb in Scottsdale.
Brenda’s “mentor” is a woman named Karen (of course) who drives a leased BMW and posts daily stories about “firing her boss.” Karen also DMs me every week asking if I’ve “reconsidered my limiting beliefs.” Karen, I’ve reconsidered them.
I feel like I’m the only one in this family who sees the emperor has no clothes—and also no actual product, just a laminated “success guide” and a subscription to a website that looks like it was built in 2004.
I’m against her making it off my kid’s college fund and calling it “empowerment.” If that makes me the villain, fine.
At least I’m not the one hawking $80 shampoo that promises to “align your chakras.” Some things are sacred, and Christmas shouldn’t require a credit card and a downline. **Closing opinion:** MLMs are just girlboss capitalism with a cult aesthetic, and the only thing they “unlock” is a lighter wallet.
Final Thoughts
If your family member tries to recruit you this holiday season, just say no—or better yet, fake a sudden allergy to “toxins.” Works every time.