The S&P 500 closed at another record high today, up roughly 0.6%, because apparently that's just what it does now.
The Dow added a couple hundred points, the Nasdaq did its usual moon-shot routine, and somewhere a guy who bought index funds in 2019 and forgot his login is now accidentally a genius.
The rally came after a fresh batch of economic data that was, depending on who you ask, either reassuringly solid or a five-alarm warning.
Jobless claims came in lower than expected, which is great news unless you're hoping for rate cuts, in which case it's terrible news delivered in a cheerful font.
Consumer sentiment ticked up, retailers reported decent earnings, and inflation is still doing that thing where it's technically cooling but your grocery bill didn't get the memo.
The Fed, meanwhile, continues its legendary commitment to saying words that mean nothing.
Officials hinted at a possible cut later this year, then immediately hinted at not cutting, then went to lunch.
Markets rallied on the dovish vibes and ignored the hawkish ones, which is basically how this whole decade has worked.
Traders are now pricing in a coin flip, a dart throw, and a Magic 8-Ball reading of "ask again later." Tech did the heavy lifting as always.
Nvidia went up because it's Nvidia and that's what it does, dragging the entire semiconductor sector along like a reluctant little brother.
Apple moved on AI hype, Microsoft moved on cloud hype, and Tesla moved because Elon tweeted something, which is apparently still a valid catalyst in the year of our Lord 2024.
Bond yields wobbled, oil dipped, and gold did that thing where it sits there gleaming smugly while the rest of us panic about everything.
Small caps rallied for approximately eleven minutes before remembering they're small caps.
Bitcoin did whatever Bitcoin does, which is exist in a state of perpetual emotional volatility unrelated to anything happening on Earth.
The bears, for their part, are having a rough time.
Every time they call a top, the market treats it like a personal dare.
Every "overvalued" headline gets met with another green candle and a chorus of "this time is different" from people whose portfolios are 80% one stock.
The permabears have been right about a crash for four straight years and counting, which is technically impressive in a tragicomic sort of way.
Retail investors are piling back in, meme stocks are twitching, and your uncle is posting bullish charts on Facebook again.
That's usually a sign of something, though nobody agrees on what.
Could be the market just vibing until it isn't.
Analysts remain split, which is a fancy way of saying nobody knows anything and everyone gets paid anyway.
Price targets are being raised across the board, mostly because raising them is easier than explaining last quarter's miss.
The consensus is that stocks will go up, or down, or sideways in a way that will be obvious in hindsight.
Look, the market is a voting machine in the short run and a weighing machine in the long run, except the scale is broken, the voters are on Reddit, and the whole thing runs on vibes and 401k auto-deposits.
Buy boring index funds, log off, and go touch grass.
Final Thoughts
Your future self will thank you, and your blood pressure definitely will.