Instead, the 31-year-old from Columbus, Ohio, got a front-row seat to the most unhinged customer service saga of the year, and the internet has decided he's either a folk hero or a menace to society.
Here's the short version: Woods bought a "smart" grill from a big-box retailer.
Not a little fire—a "my neighbor thought I was filming a backyard BBQ episode of Cops" fire.
What happened next is where it gets stupid.
The retailer reportedly sent him a bill for $4,127.83, itemizing "fire investigation consulting" and "loss of future brand partnership opportunities." Yes, really.
They charged him for not becoming an influencer.
I wish I were joking, but this is America, where a corporation will invoice you for the privilege of almost dying.
Woods posted the invoice on Reddit with the caption, "AITA for not wanting to be a viral marketing tool after my grill tried to kill me?" The post hit the front page in four hours.
One top reply read, "Bro, you're not the a-hole, you're the main character." Another simply said, "This is why I buy my steaks pre-cooked." The retailer, sensing the PR nosedive, issued a statement claiming the invoice was "an internal error" and that Woods was "a valued customer." Translation: our lawyer saw the Reddit thread and started screaming.
They've since offered him a full refund, a new grill, and, according to Woods, "a coupon for 15% off a future purchase, which feels like a threat." But Woods isn't backing down.
He told a local news crew he wants the company to cover the damage to his deck and the cost of a new fence, because the fire spread.
He's also started a GoFundMe titled "Help Me Not Get Sued for Getting Burned." It's raised $18,000 so far.
People love a guy who refuses to shut up.
The company has now hired a crisis PR firm.
It's the circle of life, if the circle of life involved liability waivers and TikTok duets.
Woods is the most relatable guy on the internet right now.
If that's not the most American story of the year, I don't know what is.
Final Thoughts
Somewhere, a corporate boardroom is learning a lesson that cost way more than $4,127.83.