It's September 18, which means every fast food chain in America has collectively decided to solve hunger by slapping a dollar sign on a patty and calling it patriotism.
National Cheeseburger Day is upon us, and the deals are flowing like the grease traps out back.
McDonald's is doing its usual double cheeseburger for a buck-ish thing if you order through the app, because nothing says "convenience" like downloading 47 megabytes of corporate surveillance to save $2.
Wendy's is pushing its own promo, and the regional chains are all throwing elbows for your attention.
Here's the thing nobody wants to admit: these "deals" are basically bait.
You walk in for the $1 burger, you walk out with a $14 combo because the fries are somehow mandatory and the drink costs more than the meat.
The house always wins, and the house has a drive-thru.
Let's talk about the actual cheeseburger for a second, since we're pretending this is a cultural moment.
The cheeseburger is arguably the most American invention that isn't a war crime.
Someone in the 1920s or 30s slapped a slice of American cheese on a patty and humanity was never the same.
Several restaurants claim credit, nobody can prove anything, and honestly the ambiguity is the most American part.
Now the real question: is today actually a good day to eat a cheeseburger?
Is it a good day to eat five because they're "on sale"?
Absolutely not, and your cardiologist would like a word.
Also, can we retire the phrase "treat yourself" being used to justify eating 1,400 calories before noon?
The cheeseburger doesn't care about your feelings.
The smarter play if you actually want a deal is to check the apps directly, since half these promos are app-exclusive and the other half require you to buy something full price first.
The fine print is where they hide the part where you spend $9 to save $2.
And if you're one of those people who orders a cheeseburger with no cheese, congratulations on your continued service to chaos.
The closing take: National Cheeseburger Day is a marketing holiday dressed up as a food holiday, which is fine because we all knew that going in.
Final Thoughts
Just don't let a corporation tell you that spending money is the same thing as celebrating.