Hugh Jackman, the man who has spent two decades being contractually obligated to look like he could bench-press a Honda Civic, has announced a massive 24-city arena tour.
Because apparently two decades of Wolverine, a decade of show tunes, and a very public divorce weren't quite enough cardio.
The tour is called "From New York, With Love," which is a title that tells you absolutely nothing except that someone in marketing really wanted you to know he once did a musical.
Tickets go on sale soon, which means your group chat is about to get a flurry of "who's in??" texts from the one friend who still thinks 2016 was a good year.
He's the human equivalent of a golden retriever who learned to sing.
He shows up, he does the thing, he cries a little, he thanks the crew.
The man posts videos of himself doing push-ups at 5 a.m. and calls it "gratitude." Sir, that's a cry for help with better lighting.
But here's the thing about arena tours from movie stars: they're a coin flip.
For every Hugh Jackman who can actually carry a tune, there's a Bruce Willis album we all agreed to forget.
Jackman has the receipts—he won a Tony, he did The Greatest Showman, he's been belting "The Greatest Show" at karaoke bars in his head since 2017.
You just know floor seats are going to cost more than a used sedan.
Ticketmaster is already sharpening its knives and practicing its dynamic pricing algorithms.
By the time you get through the queue, you'll be paying $400 to watch a man in a sparkly blazer do jazz hands from a distance that requires binoculars.
He just wrapped a messy, heavily scrutinized divorce.
His ex-wife is out here living her best life, and he's about to spend six months singing love songs to strangers in arenas.
That's not a tour, that's a very expensive coping mechanism with a light show.
They'll say he's a triple threat, he's generous with fans, he once bought coffee for a barista who complimented his hat.
Sing along to "This Is Me" with 18,000 other people who peaked emotionally in 2017.
Just don't pretend this is about the music.
This is about seeing Wolverine cry-sing into a mic while you hold a $16 beer. **The Take:** Hugh Jackman is undeniably talented and probably a lovely human, which makes hating on this tour feel like kicking a puppy.
But somewhere between the superhero franchise and the arena balladry, we've collectively decided that one man needs to be good at literally everything.
Final Thoughts
Or at least let him do a residency in one city so we can save on flights.