The Federal Bureau of Investigation has reportedly expanded its domestic terrorism playbook to include, and I am not making this up, people who complain about potholes on Nextdoor.
According to a freshly leaked memo that may or may not have been drafted by an intern with a grudge, agents are now instructed to monitor any American who has ever typed the phrase "we should do something about this" in a community Facebook group.
For decades they were the guys who caught bank robbers and occasionally wiretapped Martin Luther King Jr., so the bar for "trustworthy institution" was already somewhere in the Mariana Trench.
But now they've pivoted to treating your aunt's book club as a sleeper cell because she once forwarded a meme about local zoning laws.
Here's the thing nobody wants to admit: the FBI has always been a vibes-based agency.
They don't predict crime, they just wait for something bad to happen and then retroactively claim they were "tracking the individual." It's like a weatherman who shows up after the tornado and says, "See?
I told you it might rain." Except this weatherman has a SWAT team and a weird obsession with your encrypted messaging app.
The latest twist is that the Bureau apparently wants access to your group chats.
Not because you're planning a coup, but because you and three friends shared a laugh about a city councilman's haircut.
Congratulations, you're now part of a "decentralized extremist network." Your punishment is a sternly worded letter and a permanent spot on a list that will definitely leak in 2047.
And before the comment section lights up with "if you have nothing to hide" people, let me stop you right there.
You have that folder of screenshots you'd never want your mother to see.
You have opinions about pineapple on pizza that could be classified as a hate crime in certain Italian households.
Privacy isn't about guilt, it's about not wanting a guy named Agent Kowalski reading your grocery list and judging your cheese choices.
The real kicker is that the FBI's own track record on domestic terrorism is, to put it gently, a dumpster fire.
They spent years infiltrating environmental groups and found exactly zero credible plots, but somehow missed actual insurrectionists posting their plans on public social media.
It's almost like they're more interested in looking busy than actually being effective.
The FBI will continue to cast a wide net, catch a few minnows, and declare victory.
You'll continue to post memes and hope nobody cares.
And somewhere, a federal agent is reading this article and adding my name to a spreadsheet titled "Sarcastic Threats, Tier 3." Honestly, if the Bureau wants to waste resources on my group chat, they're welcome to it.
It's mostly people arguing about which gas station has the best coffee and someone named Dave posting the same conspiracy theory every Tuesday.
Final Thoughts
If that's a domestic terror cell, then America is in way bigger trouble than we thought.