Look, I’ll be honest with you: I don’t usually read press releases from the Ohio State Highway Patrol unless they involve a semi-truck full of illegal fireworks and a guy named “Dale” running barefoot into a cornfield. But this week, the OSHP decided to remind all of us why they’re the internet’s favorite unintentional comedy troupe.
In case you missed it, the Ohio State Highway Patrol announced they’re ramping up enforcement of the state’s “Move Over” law. You know, the one where you’re supposed to slow down or move over for emergency vehicles on the shoulder. Fair enough. But here’s the twist: they’re using unmarked cars. Undercover. To catch people who don’t move over for *marked* cars. Do you see the problem? Because I sure do.
Let me break this down for my fellow Americans who are currently three beers deep and scrolling on the toilet. The whole point of “Move Over” is that you see the flashing lights. You see the big ol’ cruiser with the light bar. You think, “Oh crap, a cop. Better not clip him.” But if the cop is in an unmarked Dodge Charger with no light bar and a guy named “Gary” wearing a windbreaker, how exactly are you supposed to know he’s there? Are you supposed to have X-ray vision? Did Ohio add that to the driver’s ed manual?
Reddit, predictably, had a field day. One user wrote, “So they’re hiding to catch you not seeing them hiding. This is like a ninja getting mad you didn’t wave.” Another said, “Ohio really said, ‘We don’t have enough problems, let’s create a paradox.’” And my personal favorite: “This is the same energy as a cop on a bicycle giving you a ticket for not moving over.”
But wait, it gets better. The OSHP posted a tweet—sorry, an “X post,” because we all have to pretend that’s a thing now—that read: “Our unmarked units are out there. Move over or pay up.” The replies were a masterclass in American sarcasm. Someone asked, “If I move over for an unmarked car, am I moving over for a ghost?” Another replied, “I’ll move over when I see lights. Otherwise, I’m just swerving for a guy in a Camry.”
Now, before the blue lives matter crowd comes for me, let me be clear: moving over for actual emergency vehicles is good. It’s safe. It’s common sense. But the Ohio State Highway Patrol has a long, proud history of doing stuff that makes you go, “Wait, what?” Remember when they pulled over a guy for having a “Suspiciously Clean” car? Or when they tweeted about a “vehicle pursuit” that turned out to be a guy on a riding lawnmower? These are the people who once arrested a man for “walking suspiciously” while he was literally just walking to his mailbox.
So here’s the thing: Ohio wants to catch you not moving over for cars you can’t identify. It’s the bureaucratic equivalent of a “gotcha” prank. And honestly, if you get pulled over by an unmarked OSHP car for not moving over, you deserve a medal for guessing wrong in a rigged game.
**Final take:** The Ohio State Highway Patrol is out here playing 4D chess while the rest of us are trying to figure out why the chessboard is on fire. Move over for marked cars. Wave at unmarked ones. And for the love of God, don’t drive through Ohio without a dashcam and a lawyer on speed dial.