**BREAKING:** A 14-foot great white shark has been filmed casually cruising the drive-thru lane of a Cape Cod Dunkin', reportedly asking confused employees if the iced coffee came in "extra large, like me."
The incident unfolded Tuesday morning when stunned commuters watched the apex predator glide past a row of idling Subarus, its dorsal fin clipping the "Order Here" speaker box. Witnesses say the shark—now affectionately nicknamed "Karen" by locals—refused to move until someone explained why the seasonal pumpkin swirl was already sold out in August.
"She just kept circling the menu board," said gas station attendant Mike Delgado, 47, who filmed the encounter on a phone with 3% battery. "At first I thought it was a prank. Then I remembered it's 2024 and nothing matters."
Marine biologists were quick to weigh in, mostly to remind everyone that great whites are "ambush predators, not baristas," and that a shark in a drive-thru is "technically not abnormal behavior because we destroyed its habitat and now it's just trying to adapt, you monsters."
The shark reportedly ordered a large black coffee, no sugar, before realizing it had no way to pay and no hands to hold the cup. It then allegedly ate the intercom, which experts confirm is "on brand."
Dunkin' corporate released a statement praising employees for "maintaining composure" and reminding customers that "shark bites are not covered under our rewards program." The chain has since added a $2 surcharge for "oceanic guests," which is somehow less offensive than its regular pricing.
Local officials have urged beachgoers to exercise caution, which is Massachusetts code for "we're not closing the beach, we're just going to act surprised when someone gets nibbled." Cape Cod has become a summer hotspot for great whites, who apparently also enjoy overpriced real estate and passive-aggressive small talk.
Social media erupted, as it does. One user tweeted, "This is the most New England thing I've ever seen—a shark waiting politely in line and still getting cut off by a Masshole in a RAM 1500." Another wrote, "Finally, a predator with better manners than the tourists."
The shark was last seen swimming toward Rhode Island, presumably to complain about the traffic and ask why nobody told it that Del's Lemonade is seasonal.
Wildlife experts remind the public that great whites are vital to ocean ecosystems, not villains, and that if you see one, you should calmly exit the water and not, under any circumstances, offer it a breakfast sandwich. That's how you get a shark with a taste for bacon, egg, and cheese—and then we're all doomed.
The Dunkin' location has since installed a "No Sharks Beyond This Point" sign, which is doing about as much good as the "No Smoking" sign at the DMV.
**Closing opinion:** Look, if a great white can navigate a Cape Cod drive-thru without causing a scene, it deserves a coffee on the house—and honestly, better health insurance than the rest of us. The real predator here is whoever decided pumpkin spice should drop in August.