In a revelation that has absolutely shocked nobody who's been paying attention to anything since 2016, the current FBI Director has reportedly been moonlighting as a motivational speaker for a multi-level marketing company selling "patriotically sourced" essential oils. According to three anonymous sources who definitely exist and aren't just a guy named Chad on a burner account, the Director has been hosting Zoom calls from a secure bunker, encouraging downline distributors to "unlock their inner federal agent" and "seize the means of production" (which, in this context, apparently means selling lavender-scented candles).
The FBI has declined to comment, which is Washington-speak for "we're currently in a legal gray area and our PR team is googling 'how to resign via tweet.'" Meanwhile, the internet has done what the internet does best: absolutely lost its collective mind.
"This is the most on-brand thing I've ever heard," wrote Reddit user DeepStateDaddy69 in a thread that hit the front page faster than you can say "conflict of interest." "The same guy who told us to report our neighbors for having too many potatoes is now asking us to buy his cinnamon bark oil? Make it make sense."
Others were quick to point out the hypocrisy. "Remember when the FBI said encryption was for criminals?" commented another user. "Now the Director is sliding into DMs like 'hey babe, want to join my team? We're building wealth and also surveilling your group chat.'"
The MLM in question, "Freedom Essence," claims its oils are "harvested by veterans, blessed by a constitutional scholar, and shipped in boxes lined with shredded copies of the Patriot Act." A quick scan of their website reveals a starter kit priced at $499, which includes a diffuser shaped like the Capitol building and a pamphlet titled "How to Recruit Your Cousin Without Committing a Felony (Probably)."
Legal experts are divided. "Technically, there's no explicit rule against the FBI Director selling pyramid-scheme adjacent products," said one law professor who asked to remain anonymous because he's "not trying to get audited." "But ethically? It's like wearing a wire to your own family reunion. Sure, it's legal, but everyone's going to be weird about it."
The White House has issued a statement saying the President "has full confidence" in the Director, which is the same statement they've issued about every embattled official since the invention of the printing press. Meanwhile, the Director's downline has reportedly grown by 300% in the last week, mostly from people who just want to see what happens next.
At press time, the Director was reportedly working on a new recruitment video set to a dubstep remix of the FBI's most wanted list, because subtlety is for people who aren't trying to sell you a $79 bottle of "Liberty Lavender."
**Opinion:** At this point, the only thing more predictable than a Washington scandal is the fact that we'll all be pretending to be shocked about it for exactly 48 hours. Then we'll move on to the next absurdity, probably involving a Supreme Court justice and a timeshare in the Bahamas. The real crime here isn't the MLM—it's that we've all become so numb to this nonsense that a side hustle feels almost quaint.