In a move that experts are calling "technically legal," the White House unveiled the Department of Administrative Administration (DAA) this week, a brand-new federal agency whose sole purpose is to oversee the roughly 430 other federal agencies that were apparently just vibing unsupervised this whole time.
"Look, we realized nobody actually knows who's in charge of what," said press secretary Dana Whitfield, gesturing at a flowchart that witnesses described as "a bowl of spaghetti having a panic attack." "So we hired 4,000 new administrators to administer the administration of all the other administrators. It's called efficiency."
The DAA will reportedly have its own budget of $2.3 billion, its own subcommittee, and—crucially—its own administrative department, which will itself need managing, a problem officials say they'll "circle back on in Q3."
Critics argue the agency is redundant. Supporters counter that redundancy is the whole point, citing the time the Department of Agriculture accidentally mailed 40,000 pounds of cheese to the Department of Energy, which then tried to power a grid with it.
"Frankly, this is the most honest thing the government has done in decades," said policy analyst Marcus Reed. "Instead of pretending the bureaucracy is small, we're just naming the bureaucracy that manages the bureaucracy. It's like putting a label on the box that says 'box.'"
The DAA's first act was to create a task force to determine whether the DAA itself needs a DAA. That task force has already requested a sub-task force. Sources confirm the sub-task force is currently "in a meeting about scheduling future meetings."
Applications for the 4,000 new positions opened Monday. Requirements include a bachelor's degree, five years of experience, and the ability to nod thoughtfully while someone explains a problem you will never solve. Starting salary is $94,000, plus dental, plus the quiet dignity of knowing you'll never be blamed for anything because nobody can find your org chart.
Meanwhile, the Office of Management and Budget released a statement saying it had no idea the DAA existed and would "look into it after lunch."
At press time, the DAA had announced a new deputy director of deputy directors, whose first job is to hire a deputy.
**The Take:** America has finally found a way to make bureaucracy self-replicating. It's not a government anymore—it's a subscription service you can't cancel. And honestly? If we're gonna drown in paperwork, we might as well get dental out of it.