Long Beach Bans Standing On Sidewalks Because Apparently Walking Was Too Mainstream
Look, I get it. California is basically the wild west of performative legislation. But Long Beach just hit a new low, even for them. The city council, in its infinite wisdom, has decided that the biggest threat to public safety isn't, like, the fentanyl crisis or the potholes that could swallow a Smart Car whole. No, the real enemy is your feet. Specifically, your feet *standing still* on a public sidewalk.
That’s right, you heard me. The City of Long Beach has officially banned “loitering” in a way so brazenly stupid that it makes the HOA president from hell look like a free-spirited anarchist. The new ordinance, which went into effect after a 7-2 council vote that I can only assume was fueled by some truly potent kombucha, makes it illegal to stand or sit on a sidewalk in certain commercial areas if it “obstructs pedestrian flow.”
Now, before the “think of the children” crowd starts pearl-clutching, let’s translate that bureaucratic bullshit into plain English: If you are standing still for more than a few minutes, and a cop decides you look annoying, you are now a criminal.
The sheer, unadulterated audacity of this law is honestly breathtaking. It’s a masterclass in missing the point. We’re not talking about a rowdy mosh pit blocking the entrances to a Trader Joe’s. We’re talking about the basic, fundamental human right to exist in a public space without being harassed. You know, the kind of space our tax dollars pay for. The concrete you’re standing on? You paid for it. I paid for it. But apparently, we’re just renting it by the minute, and the meter’s always running.
The sponsors of this gem, Councilmembers Kristina Duggan and Megan Kerr, are framing this as a “quality of life” issue. Because nothing says “quality of life” like getting a $100 ticket for waiting for your buddy outside a coffee shop while checking your phone. The ordinance specifically targets areas like Belmont Shore and Bixby Knoll, which are, shockingly, the more affluent, business-heavy corridors. I’m sure that’s a complete coincidence and not at all a thinly veiled attempt to scrub the sidewalks clean of anyone who doesn't look like they're about to drop $80 on a brunch of avocado toast and oat milk lattes.
The official line is that this is to help businesses. Apparently, the presence of a human being standing still is a deterrent to commerce. Like, a potential customer sees someone loitering and thinks, “Oh, I wasn’t going to buy this $40 candle anyway.” The logic is so flawed it could be a flat-earther’s thesis. How about this for a wild idea: if businesses are struggling, maybe it’s because of insane rent, online shopping, and the fact that a single cocktail costs more than my car insurance. But no, the problem is definitely the guy standing near the bus stop.
This isn't about pedestrian flow, you absolute donuts. This is about clearing the unhoused. It’s a classic, cynical move from the playbook of “let’s make poverty illegal.” You can’t outright ban homelessness, but you can make it impossible to exist. You can ban sleeping, you can ban sitting, and now you can ban *standing still*. What’s next? Are they going to ban breathing because the exhaled CO2 might make a shopkeeper feel slightly dizzy?
The ACLU is already sharpening their legal claws, calling the ordinance vague and ripe for discriminatory enforcement. And they’re right. This law gives cops the discretion to decide who is a “nuisance” and who is just “waiting for a ride.” And we all know how that discretion plays out. It’s not going to be the white guy in Lululemon checking his Apple Watch who gets the ticket. It’s going to be the Black kid in a hoodie, or the Latino day laborer, or anyone who doesn't have a trust fund and a golden retriever.
The fact that it passed 7-2 means that seven people on that council looked at the growing homelessness crisis, looked at the housing costs that are higher than a giraffe’s balls, and decided the solution was to be the sidewalk Gestapo. It’s performative cruelty disguised as civic pride.
And the best part? The "obstruction" rule is so subjective it might as well be written in crayon. What if I stop to tie my shoe? What if I'm waiting for my Uber and I'm standing near a fire hydrant? What if I'm just having an existential crisis in the middle of the sidewalk because I just realized I'll never afford a house in this city? Is that an obstruction? Because if so, I'm a serial offender.
This isn’t just a Long Beach problem. This is a symptom of a nationwide disease where cities would rather criminalize poverty than actually solve it. It’s easier to write a citation than it is to build affordable housing. It’s simpler to move the problem along than to provide mental health services. It’s a lot less paperwork to tell a guy to keep it moving than to find him a bed.
So, if you’re planning a trip to the beautiful, ocean-adjacent, and apparently legally hostile city of Long Beach, here’s my advice: Do not, under any circumstances, stop moving. Walk in circles. Do the Macarena. Just keep your feet shuffling like you’re in a John Wick fight. Because if you pause for a moment to soak in the sea air, you’re not a tourist anymore. You’re a criminal loiterer, and the long arm of the law is going to ticket you for the crime of having legs.
We’ve officially reached peak late-stage capitalism, where even the act of standing still is a luxury you have to pay for. I’m just waiting for the sequel ordinance that makes it illegal to make eye contact with a business owner for more than three seconds. That’s probably “visual lo
Final Thoughts
Having spent years covering coastal communities, it's clear that Long Beach's true genius isn't in any single attraction, but in its relentless reinvention—a working port that refuses to be just a maritime museum. The city’s recent resilience in balancing industrial grit with waterfront leisure is a masterclass in urban survival, yet its long-term success hinges on whether it can solve the perennial Southern California riddle of equitable housing and transit without erasing the very diversity that gives it character. Ultimately, Long Beach is less a destination than a living argument for the messy, fascinating potential of American cities that choose to evolve.