Ex-Congressman Gets Clocked at 88 MPH, Claims the Speed Limit Was Just a 'Suggestion'
So, listen up, you beautiful degenerates. We have a new contestant in the "Rich People Who Think Laws Are for the Little People" Olympics, and this one’s a real gem. Ellen Read—yes, that Ellen Read, the erstwhile representative who probably spent her time in office drafting bills to protect the rights of golf carts—has been caught with her foot to the floor, allegedly doing 88 in a 55.
Because of course she was.
According to the police blotter, which is basically the adult equivalent of a kindergarten report card, the former lawmaker was pulled over for going a cool 33 miles per hour over the limit. That’s not a "whoopsie, I was daydreaming" speed. That’s a "I’m late for my Botox appointment and the world owes me" speed. That’s the kind of speed where you’re not just passing cars, you’re passing *concepts*.
Let’s paint the picture. It’s a Tuesday. You’re stuck in traffic in your 2012 Honda Civic, which smells faintly of old French fries and regret. You see a blur in your rearview mirror. It’s a luxury sedan, probably leased, being driven by someone who has never had to pump their own gas. That blur was our girl Ellen, on her way to... actually, who the hell knows? Probably to a book club meeting where they discuss the finer points of property tax abatements while sipping Chardonnay and judging the help.
Now, the body cam footage is bound to be a cinematic masterpiece. I’m picturing the officer, a brave soul in a polyester uniform, approaching the vehicle with the cautious optimism of a man who’s about to deal with a Karen in her natural habitat. And Ellen, presumably rolling down her window with a sigh that could curdle milk, probably hit him with the classic, "Do you know who I am?"
And the cop, to his credit, probably responded, "Yes ma'am, I do. You're the person who's about to explain to my dash cam why you thought the interstate was a private racetrack."
The real kicker here isn’t the speeding itself. Everyone speeds. I speed. You speed. Your grandma speeds when she’s trying to get to the early bird special at Denny's. The issue is the sheer, unadulterated *audacity*. This is a person who swore an oath to uphold the law. She literally made a career out of telling other people how to live their lives, what to do with their bodies, and how to spend their money. And then she turns around and treats a 55 mph zone like it’s a suggestion box.
It’s the ultimate "rules for thee, not for me" energy. It’s the same vibe as a politician campaigning on "family values" getting caught with a mistress in a Hot Topic parking lot. It’s the hypocrisy that fuels the entire 24-hour news cycle and makes us all feel slightly more justified in our own petty law-breaking.
Let's do the math on this, shall we? 88 miles per hour. That's not just "a little over." That's "I have a meeting with a pharmaceutical rep and my Xanax hasn't kicked in yet" speed. That's "I just found out my favorite reality star got cancelled and I need to scream into the void" speed. That's the speed of someone who genuinely believes that the rules of the road are for the unwashed masses, not for the political elite who grace the asphalt with their presence.
And you know the best part? This isn't even a scandal that will cost her a seat in Congress, because she's already gone. She's out. She's a private citizen now, just a regular American with a lead foot and a sense of entitlement that could power a small city. So, what's the consequence? A fine she can pay with the loose change in her cupholder? A traffic school class she can have her assistant attend? A sternly worded letter from the DMV that she'll use to line her birdcage? Probably all of the above.
But for the rest of us, this is just another delicious morsel of schadenfreude. It’s a reminder that the people we elect to represent us are, in many cases, just as fallible, petty, and reckless as we are—they just have better lawyers and more forgiving insurance policies.
I can already see the statement her lawyer is going to release. Something like, "Ms. Read is deeply sorry for this lapse in judgment. She was merely trying to get to a crucial charity event to help orphaned puppies with cancer. She has the utmost respect for law enforcement and looks forward to resolving this matter privately." Yeah, sure, buddy. And I'm the Pope.
The best part of this whole saga is watching the local news anchors try to keep a straight face while reporting it. You can see the smirk in their eyes. They know it's absurd. They know that if they had been caught doing 88, they'd be in handcuffs, their car impounded, and their face plastered on the evening news as a public menace. But for Ellen, it's just a minor blip on the radar of a life filled with privilege.
So, here's to you, Ellen. You've given us a much-needed laugh and a perfect example of why "live free or die" is apparently a speed limit, not a lifestyle choice. I hope the judge throws the book at you—or at least a pamphlet on how to operate a motor vehicle responsibly. But we all know that's about as likely as a politician actually keeping a campaign promise.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go drive the speed limit in the left lane, just to be an absolute menace to society. That's my petty rebellion.
Final Thoughts
Let’s be blunt: a sitting lawmaker blowing past the limit isn’t just a traffic infraction—it’s a glaring lapse in judgment that undermines the very credibility she needs to write and enforce laws. The optics are terrible, but the real story here isn’t the speedometer reading; it’s the hypocrisy of a public servant who apparently believes the rules apply to everyone but herself. In the court of public opinion, the fine will be paid, but the stain on her record is a permanent reminder that accountability starts at the top.