# Former Soccer Star Rene Higuita’s Latest "Scorpion Kick" Is Just Him Trying To Open A Stubborn Jar Of Pickles And Ending Up In The ER
Listen, I know we’re all still collectively trying to process the fact that 2024 has been a fever dream of “what the actual hell is happening” moments. But Colombia’s favorite unhinged goalkeeper, Rene Higuita, has officially thrown his leathery, 57-year-old leg into the ring for “Most Unnecessary ER Visit of the Year.” And honestly? It’s the most on-brand thing he’s done since the 1990 World Cup.
For those of you who weren’t alive or just weren’t paying attention during the golden era of “soccer players who looked like they were mainlining Red Bull and chaos,” let me paint a picture. Rene Higuita is the guy who invented the “Scorpion Kick”—a move so stupidly dangerous and aesthetically absurd that it’s basically the soccer equivalent of doing a backflip off your roof into a kiddie pool because you saw it on YouTube. In 1995, he literally saved a goal by launching his entire body into a scissor-kick motion while falling forward, like a dying swan that suddenly remembered it was also a martial artist. The man is a legend. He’s also, apparently, a man who cannot handle a jar of pickles without turning his kitchen into a war crime scene.
According to reports that I can only assume were leaked from a very embarrassed emergency room in Medellín, Higuita was recently admitted after attempting to open a stubborn jar of pickles. Yes. Pickles. The snack of champions. The green, briny torpedo of disappointment that has ended more relationships than “I’m just not ready for a label.” And Higuita, in his infinite wisdom, decided that the best way to defeat this culinary nemesis was to channel his 1995 energy.
Witnesses (read: his very tired neighbor who heard a crash and saw a man in a Colombia jersey flying through a window) say Higuita employed a technique he called “the scorpion torque.” This appears to have involved him placing the jar on the floor, standing on one leg, and attempting to use his other foot to grip and twist the lid while simultaneously performing a backflip. Because nothing says “I want a pickle” like risking a spinal injury in the name of a condiment.
The result? He didn’t get the pickle. He did, however, get a face full of shattered glass, a trip to the ER, and a bill that probably cost more than the entire pickle industry in Wyoming. Doctors reportedly removed three shards of glass from his left buttock and had to explain to a 57-year-old man that “yes, you can actually pull a hamstring by trying to open a jar with your foot.” He’s currently recovering at home, reportedly with a fresh jar of pickles that his daughter opened for him using a simple, boring, non-scorpion “hand twist” method. The audacity.
Now, let’s be real. We’ve all been there. You’re standing in your kitchen at 2 AM. You’re hungry. You see that jar of pickles or that stubborn pasta sauce lid. You try the rubber band trick. You try running it under hot water. You try asking your roommate, but they’re asleep, and you’re too proud to admit defeat. And then, in a moment of pure, unfiltered rage, you consider doing something stupid. Maybe you slam it on the counter. Maybe you try to use a knife to pry it open (don’t do that, you’ll end up on r/Whatcouldgowrong). But Higuita? This man took that universal struggle and turned it into a full-blown Cirque du Soleil performance. This wasn’t a struggle. This was performance art.
And honestly? The internet is here for it. The AITA (Am I The A******) subreddit is currently debating whether Higuita is the asshole for “wasting hospital resources” or if the hospital is the asshole for “not understanding that scorpion energy must be released.” The top comment, currently sitting at 1.2k upvotes, reads: “YTA for not filming it. We lost a viral goldmine because you didn’t have your phone out. Also, pickles are disgusting, so ESH.” Another user, clearly a man of culture, wrote: “NTA. He’s a legend. He’s allowed to open a jar however he wants. But also, bro, you’re 57. Your scorpion days are over. Stick to opening jars with your teeth like a normal person.” The discourse is, as the kids say, “lit.”
But here’s the thing: this isn’t just a funny story about a washed-up athlete and a jar of pickles. This is a metaphor for the entire human condition in 2024. We are all Rene Higuita. We are all trying to open a stubborn jar of something—a career, a relationship, a mortgage application, a jar of pickles—and we keep trying to use moves that worked in the 90s. We keep trying to do the scorpion kick. We keep trying to be the chaotic, unpredictable hero who defies the laws of physics and common sense. And we keep ending up in the ER, covered in pickle juice and regret.
The real question isn’t “Why did he do this?” The real question is: “Why haven’t you done this yet?” We live in a world where people are eating Tide Pods, fighting in airport terminals over the last seat, and buying NFTs of cartoon apes. This man tried to open a jar with his foot. He’s a pioneer. He’s a visionary. He’s also probably going to be the star of a new “Don’t try this at home” PSA, but that’s a sacrifice he was willing to make.
And let’s not forget the absolute king energy of the aftermath. He didn’t apologize. He didn’t say “I was being stupid
Final Thoughts
Rene Higuita was never just a goalkeeper; he was a philosophical rebel who understood that football, at its most thrilling, is a rebellion against predictability. His scorpion kick wasn't mere showmanship but a statement that the sport's soul lives in audacity, not sterile efficiency. In the end, we remember him not for the goals he conceded, but for the moments he stole time itself and dared to laugh in the face of risk.