Soccer Goalie Caught Snorting Coke With Cartel Leaders, Somehow Still More Based Than Any MLS Player
Alright, buckle up, buttercups, because we’ve got a story that’s equal parts “what the actual f*ck” and “yeah, that tracks.” You know René Higuita? The Colombian goalkeeper who basically invented the Scorpion Kick and looked like a coked-out lion tamer who wandered onto a pitch by accident? Well, hold onto your jockstraps, because the man just dropped a memoir, and holy sh*t, the receipts are wilder than a MAGA rally at a Taylor Swift concert.
For those of you who somehow missed the 90s, Higuita wasn’t just a goalie. He was a chaos goblin with gloves. A man who treated the 18-yard box like a suggestion, not a rule. He’d dribble past strikers, do bicycle kicks from his own goal line, and generally act like he was playing FIFA on easy mode while everyone else was stuck on World Class. But now, at 57, he’s decided to air out the dirty laundry, and it’s less “dirty laundry” and more “blood-stained Cartel merch.”
In his new book, *Vivir Para Contarlo* (which translates to “Live to Tell the Tale,” which is already a vibe), Higuita casually drops the bombshell that during the 1990 World Cup qualifiers, he was snorting cocaine with none other than Pablo Escobar’s crew. Like, not just “oh, I was at a party and someone offered me a bump.” No, no, no. This man was apparently doing lines in the locker room with *Los Extraditables*, the Cartel’s hit squad. While wearing his national team jersey. While getting paid by the Colombian federation. The audacity is honestly kind of impressive.
Let me put this in American terms for you: imagine if Tom Brady, after winning the Super Bowl, casually mentioned that he used to smoke crack with El Chapo’s cartel during the AFC Championship game. And then everyone just… yawned. That’s essentially what happened, except Colombia in the 90s was basically a real-life episode of *Narcos* where the soccer team was just the B-plot.
But here’s where it gets really juicy. Higuita didn’t just cozy up to the cartel for party favors. Oh no. He *literally* went to prison for them. Back in 1993, he spent seven months in jail for allegedly acting as a go-between in a kidnapping case involving the daughter of a drug lord. He claims he was just trying to negotiate a peaceful release, but the Colombian justice system was like, “Nice try, dipsh*t, you’re going to jail.” And you know what? He served his time, came out, and immediately scored a goal from a goal kick in a friendly against England. Absolute legend behavior.
Now, let’s talk about the modern-day reaction, because it’s peak irony. The soccer world is currently losing its collective mind over players vaping in the tunnel or having a beer after a win. Meanwhile, this dude snorts cocaine with literal murderers, goes to prison, and then pulls off the most iconic save in history (the Scorpion Kick, duh). And people are like, “But did he respect the game?” Bro, he *was* the game. The game just happened to be set in a war zone.
The best part? Higuita doesn’t even seem sorry. “In those days, we were young, we were famous, we were in Colombia,” he said in an interview. “It’s not like I was hurting anyone.” Oh, okay, René. Except for maybe the dozens of people Pablo’s boys were executing in the stands during matches. But sure, the coke was victimless.
Look, I’m not saying we should romanticize drug cartels. They’re evil, they killed journalists, they blew up planes, and they turned Colombia into a nightmare for decades. But you have to admit, Higuita’s life is a masterclass in “living your truth.” The man played soccer like a drunk philosopher who just discovered adrenaline. He didn’t give a single flying f*ck about tactics, fitness, or self-preservation. He was the original “I’m here for a good time, not a long time.”
And here’s the kicker: he’s STILL more beloved than any current MLS player. Think about it. Who’s the most exciting MLS star right now? Messi? Yeah, he’s good, but he’s also the kind of guy who probably apologizes to his waiter if his steak is overcooked. Higuita once tried to dribble past an entire team during a World Cup game because he thought the goal was too boring. That’s energy. That’s *presence*.
So what can we learn from this? Honestly, nothing. Don’t do coke. Don’t hang out with drug lords. Don’t go to prison for a kidnapping. But also, maybe, just maybe, let the man have his moment. He’s 57, he’s still got that ridiculous mane of hair, and he’s currently touring the world giving Scorpion Kick demonstrations at charity matches. Meanwhile, I’m struggling to find my keys.
The real tragedy here isn’t that Higuita did coke with cartels. It’s that we’ll never get another goalie like him. These days, goalkeepers are all tactical robots who pass the ball sideways and wear neon green. Boring. Give me a guy who snorts a line in the tunnel, lets in a goal because he was too busy trying to nutmeg a striker, and then does a backflip to celebrate a draw. That’s soccer, baby.
So here’s to you, René. You absolute madman. You’re the reason why every kid who plays goalie secretly wants to be a striker. You’re the reason why the Scorpion Kick is a thing. And you’re the reason why I’m never going to look at a goalkeeper the same
Final Thoughts
In the end, René Higuita was never just a goalkeeper; he was a defiant artist in a league of pragmatists. His scorpion kick wasn't a reckless stunt but the logical conclusion of a philosophy that saw the penalty area as a canvas, not a cage. While we may debate his defensive lapses, history will rightly remember him as the man who proved that football’s soul often lives in its most audacious margins.