Mount Rushmore Finally Collapses After 400 Lbs of Fentanyl-Laced Granola Bars Shoved into Washington’s Nose
RAPID CITY, SD — In a turn of events that has historians, park rangers, and at least one extremely confused groundhog absolutely shook, the Mount Rushmore National Memorial partially collapsed late Tuesday evening after what officials are calling a “truly unprecedented and frankly impressive” amount of contraband was forcibly inserted into the nostril of the George Washington sculpture.
The incident, which sent a 50-ton chunk of presidential granite tumbling into the parking lot (miraculously only totaling a 2015 Hyundai Elantra), has left federal authorities scrambling for answers and the internet doing what it does best: absolutely roasting the entire situation into a fine, memetic powder.
According to a breathless press release from the National Park Service, the collapse was the direct result of structural failure caused by “the aggressive and sustained insertion of approximately 400 pounds of fentanyl-laced granola bars and assorted expired gas station snacks” into the approximately 20-foot-wide nostril of the first president.
“We’ve seen vandalism, sure,” stated a visibly exhausted Park Ranger Dale Hemlock, his Smokey Bear hat slightly askew. “Kids throw rocks, hippies spray-paint ‘Legalize It’ on Jefferson’s forehead. Hell, we once found a whole possum family living in Teddy Roosevelt’s mustache. But this? This is a whole new level of America. This is a cry for help that’s also a felony.”
The investigation, helmed by the FBI’s Art Crime Team (who are reportedly furious they have to deal with this instead of hunting down a stolen Monet), has zeroed in on a local man, 34-year-old Cletus “Fentanyl Freddy” Beauregard III. Beauregard was apprehended at the scene, covered in granola dust and attempting to use a leaf blower to dislodge a bag of Flamin’ Hot Cheetos that had become stuck in Thomas Jefferson’s ear canal.
“He just kept yelling something about ‘sticking it to the man’ and ‘making the founding fathers feel the Bern,’” Hemlock added, pinching the bridge of his nose. “The ‘Bern’ in this case being a massive, drug-induced structural failure. He was very specific about the granola bars. Said they were ‘high quality, organic, and from a farm in Oregon.’ The irony is not lost on us.”
Social media, predictably, had a field day. The hashtag #RushMoreDrugs began trending on X, formerly Twitter, within minutes. The discourse was, as always, a dumpster fire of peak human intellect.
“So instead of a boring old monument about slave owners, we now have a monument about a guy who tried to give George Washington a fentanyl overdose via his nose. Modern art, baby. We love to see it,” posted user SkibidiOhioRizzler69.
“Can we talk about the economics of this? 400 lbs of fentanyl-laced granola bars? That’s like, $50,000 worth of rec drugs. Bro could have bought a house. Instead he wanted to make Honest Abe sneeze. Pure, unadulterated American capitalism at its finest,” commented user WallStreetBets_Warrior.
Conspiracy theories, of course, began circulating within hours. One popular theory on a certain subreddit suggests that the granola bars were a diversion, and the real goal was to use the resulting dust cloud to smuggle a pack of feral raccoons into the visitor center. Another, slightly more plausible theory posits that this was an elaborate performance art piece funded by a wealthy art collector who is “very into the aesthetic of chaos.”
The National Park Service has cordoned off the area indefinitely. The faces of Thomas Jefferson and Theodore Roosevelt remain intact, though Roosevelt now appears to be winking one eye, which rangers say is “almost certainly a structural defect and not him judging our life choices.” The nose of George Washington is now a gaping, granola-flecked crater that experts are calling a “real goddamn shame.”
As for the future of the monument, opinions are mixed. Some suggest it’s time to just let the whole thing crumble and turn the site into a massive vape shop. Others, including South Dakota Governor Kristi Noem, have proposed a radical solution.
“This is a direct attack on our heritage and our freedoms,” Noem said in a hastily called press conference, standing in front of the damaged monument with a power drill and a bucket of cement. “We will rebuild. And we will rebuild bigger. And better. We will add a fifth face. A face that represents the fight against this very tyranny. I am proposing we add the face of a brave, freedom-loving 5-year-old boy who once shot a coyote. My son. He will be carved into the mountain. Right next to Lincoln. It will be glorious. We are calling it ‘Justice Rushmore’ and we are not taking questions.”
The proposal has been met with… mixed reviews. The ACLU has already filed a preliminary injunction, arguing that carving a child’s face into a federal monument is a violation of child labor laws and the Geneva Conventions.
Meanwhile, Cletus “Fentanyl Freddy” Beauregard III is being held without bail. When asked for a comment by a local news reporter as he was led into the courthouse, he simply yelled, “HISTORY WILL VINDICATE ME! THIS COUNTRY WAS BUILT ON GRANITE AND GRANOLA!” before being Tased for trying to shove a Snickers bar into the ear of the arresting officer.
Final Thoughts
Having spent years covering monuments that claim to define a nation, I find Mount Rushmore to be a masterwork of granite and ego—a breathtaking technical achievement that simultaneously tells us more about the sculptor's ambitions and the political climate of the 1920s than it does about the complex, often brutal history of the men it depicts. The monument’s true power lies not in its four faces, but in the profound silence of what it leaves out: the Lakota people for whom this very mountain was a sacred site, and the unresolved tension between celebrating a "united" America and acknowledging the land's original stewards. Ultimately, Rushmore is a lesson in perspective; you can stand in awe of the craftsmanship while remaining deeply skeptical of the narrative it insists on telling.