Independence Day Just Got Cancelled: Gen Z Declares July 4th ‘Problematic’ For ‘Celebrating Colonialism’
Well, pack it up, Betsy Ross. Apparently, the stars and stripes are getting cancelled faster than a YouTuber’s apology tour. In a move that has Boomers collectively clutching their bald eagle lawn ornaments, a new wave of TikTok activists has officially declared July 4th “problematic,” citing its glorification of “colonialist violence” and, I kid you not, “unchecked carbon emissions from fireworks.” Because nothing says “freedom” like having your barbecue shamed by a 19-year-old in a thrifted Che Guevara shirt.
Let me set the scene for you. It’s 2025. The grill is hot, the hot dogs are cheap, and you’re ready to mainline some freedom fries. But hold up, chief. Before you light that sparkler, you need to check your privilege. According to a viral manifesto circulating on Twitter (sorry, “X”), celebrating the Fourth of July is a “micro-aggression” against literally everyone who wasn’t a land-owning white guy in a wig in 1776.
The logic, if you can call it that, goes like this: The Founding Fathers were “problematic.” Thomas Jefferson wrote about liberty while owning people. George Washington had wooden teeth, which is apparently a red flag. Therefore, you, a person living in a condo in Phoenix, are a bad person for enjoying a day off from work and some potato salad.
I know what you’re thinking. “This is satire.” Oh, my sweet summer child. I wish it were. This isn’t some fringe group of six people in a basement. This is a full-blown, performative moral panic that’s sweeping the chronically online. Let’s break down the new, “woke” rules for Independence Day, as dictated by the council of teens who think “ACAB” includes Paul Revere.
**Rule #1: No ‘Murica.**
We have to stop saying “America.” It’s imperialist. The preferred nomenclature is now “Turtle Island” (the Indigenous name for the continent) or, if you’re feeling spicy, “The Occupied Territories.” Forget “God Bless America.” That’s a hate crime now. You have to chant “May the land heal from the trauma of the Boston Tea Party.” Yes, the tea party. The one where we threw some leaves into a harbor. Apparently, that was a “violent act of cargo theft” that “disrupted the local ecosystem.”
**Rule #2: Fireworks are Literally War Crimes.**
The biggest target? The fireworks. These aren’t just loud, expensive, and terrifying for dogs anymore. Oh no. They are now a “symbol of settler-colonial explosives.” I saw a TikTok—which I regret watching—where a girl sobbed into her iPhone camera because the firework display in her town was “triggering.” Triggering for what? The Revolutionary War? “The sound of gunpowder reminds me of the violence that founded this nation,” she cried, while filming herself in a room full of Amazon boxes. The irony is so thick you could spread it on a cracker. The new movement, #CancelTheBoom, suggests we replace fireworks with “silent light shows” or, better yet, just “observing a moment of silence for the land.”
**Rule #3: The Barbecue is a Colonial Performance.**
You think you’re just grilling a burger? Wrong, fascist. According to the new doctrine, the American BBQ is a “performative act of resource hoarding.” Eating meat? You’re celebrating the cattle industry that displaced bison. Eating corn? You’re appropriating Indigenous agriculture. Eating a hot dog? You’re a monster. The only acceptable meal for a “good” July 4th is a “locally-sourced, foraged mushroom and quinoa patty” that costs $40 and tastes like a wet sock. And you have to eat it in silence, while acknowledging the “inherent violence of the cooking fire.”
The most unhinged part of this entire debacle is the “Land Back” trend for the holiday. People are literally printing out fake deeds to their backyards and “returning” them to local Indigenous tribes on social media. “I’m giving my 0.25 acre condo plot back to the Lenape people,” one user posted, with a picture of a signed napkin. The actual Lenape tribes have responded with a collective “please stop being weird,” but the online activists don’t care. They’re too busy patting themselves on the back for being “allies” while posting this from an iPhone made with child-labor cobalt.
Let’s be real, AITA for thinking this is the most terminally online garbage we’ve ever witnessed? Look, I get it. The history of America is complicated and bloody. We’re not a perfect nation. We have a lot of skeletons in the closet, and some of them are literally in the White House basement. But pretending that the day we kicked out the British is worse than, say, the actual British Empire, is just brain rot.
This isn’t about being patriotic. It’s about being a hater. These people would find a way to cancel a birthday party for a golden retriever. “Oh, you’re celebrating the birth of a dog? How dare you ignore the suffering of cats in the same room.” It’s exhausting.
And the best part? The hypocrisy is so loud you can hear it over a Patriot missile. The same people screaming that July 4th is “problematic” because of colonialism will be at the Apple Store tomorrow buying the new iPhone, a product of a massive corporation that literally pays zero taxes and uses overseas labor. They’ll drive their Toyota Prius, which runs on lithium mined from Indigenous lands, to a local park where they’ll drink Starbucks (another colonialist nightmare) and complain about the “vibe” of the holiday.
So, how is the average American supposed to navigate this minefield? Well, according to the new rules, you can’t. You
Final Thoughts
As any seasoned correspondent will tell you, Independence Day is less a celebration of a singular historical event and more a living, breathing measure of the gap between our founding ideals and our daily reality. The fireworks and parades are a necessary ritual, a collective breath of hope, but the real work of independence—ensuring liberty, justice, and opportunity for every citizen—is a grueling, unfinished dispatch from the front lines of democracy. Ultimately, the holiday’s true power lies not in looking back at what we were, but in demanding we confront what we have yet to become.