Trump’s Former Fixer David Hearn Is Begging For Money Online, And The Internet Is Having A Field Day
Let’s be real for a second: if you told me in 2016 that one of the key architects of the “Access Hollywood” tape fallout would eventually be hawking used car energy on GoFundMe, I would have laughed in your face. But here we are, folks. David Hearn, the former Trump lawyer who once tried to get Stormy Daniels to sign a bullshit hush agreement in a parking garage, is now publicly begging for cash like a deadbeat cousin at a wedding. And the internet is absolutely, unequivocally, feasting on his carcass.
For those of you who’ve been living under a rock or just blocked out the last decade of political trauma, Hearn was the guy who allegedly helped orchestrate the payoff to the adult film star to cover up Trump’s extramarital affair. He was a “fixer.” He was a “loyalist.” He was the guy who thought he was playing 4D chess but ended up getting his ass handed to him by a Manhattan grand jury. Fast forward to today, and this dude is posting a GoFundMe with a sob story that reads like a rejected script for a Lifetime movie.
The campaign, which was launched on some random crowdfunding site that I’m 90% sure is just a front for money laundering, is titled “Help David Hearn Pay His Legal Bills.” The ask? A cool $150,000. The reason? According to Hearn, he’s been “financially ruined” by the investigations into his work for Trump. He claims he’s lost his law license, his house is in foreclosure, and his dog—yes, his dog—might have to be put down if he can’t cover the vet bills. I’m not making that last part up. He literally said his dog’s health is on the line. It’s like he’s trying to out-tragedy every single person who’s ever posted a “My cat needs surgery” campaign, but with the added spice of political corruption.
Now, normally, I’d feel a tiny sliver of sympathy for a guy who’s down on his luck. We’ve all been there, right? Maybe you lost your job, had to sell your crypto, or your landlord raised the rent by $800. But David Hearn isn’t your average broke dude. He’s the guy who spent years defending a man who tried to overthrow the government, and then had the audacity to act shocked when the legal system came knocking. He’s the guy who allegedly told Stormy Daniels to lie about the affair, then turned around and blamed everyone else when the sh*t hit the fan. He’s the guy who thought he could play in the big leagues with the big boys, but now he’s crying into his phone camera because his credit card got declined at the grocery store.
The internet, predictably, has not been kind. The comments on the GoFundMe page are a masterclass in schadenfreude. You’ve got people saying things like, “I’d rather give my money to a homeless guy who’s actually working on his life” and “This is what karma looks like, Dave.” One person even left a donation of $0.01 with the note, “Here’s a start. Now go get a real job.” It’s brutal, but let’s be honest—it’s also kind of hilarious. This is the same guy who once bragged about his “winning” legal strategies and his “unbreakable” loyalty to the former president. Now he’s begging strangers for pocket change while Trump is off playing golf and pretending Hearn never existed.
But here’s the real kicker: the GoFundMe has raised, as of this writing, a whopping $2,300. That’s less than the cost of a used Honda Civic. Out of the $150,000 goal. So either nobody cares, or everyone’s just waiting for the inevitable trainwreck. I’m betting on the latter. The comments section is a goldmine of people trolling him, asking if he’s tried “getting a job at the local McDonald’s” or “selling his Trump memorabilia on eBay.” Someone even suggested he start an OnlyFans. I mean, I’m not saying I’d subscribe, but I’m also not saying I wouldn’t.
The irony here is thicker than a New York bagel. Hearn spent years trying to make other people look bad, to silence women, to cover up crimes, and now he’s the one begging for mercy on the internet. It’s like watching a villain get his comeuppance in a bad 80s movie, except instead of falling into a vat of toxic waste, he’s falling into a pit of social media mockery. And honestly? It’s the most satisfying thing I’ve seen all year.
Now, I’m not saying I’m happy the guy’s life is falling apart. I’m just saying that maybe, just maybe, if you decide to become a professional liar and a cog in the Trump machine, you should have a backup plan that doesn’t involve asking random people on the internet for money. Because guess what? Nobody owes you anything. Not the voters, not the taxpayers, and certainly not the people who had to live through your boss’s presidency.
So, David Hearn, if you’re reading this (and I’m sure you are, because you’re probably Googling yourself in your mom’s basement), let me give you some free advice: maybe try a different line of work. Maybe something that doesn’t involve destroying your reputation and your bank account. Or, you know, just keep crying on the internet. It’s working great so far.
Final Thoughts
Having covered the twists and turns of the London property game for decades, I've seen plenty of developers who talk a big game, but David Hearn was one of the few who backed it up with genuine vision. His ability to navigate the brutal economics of the square mile—pioneering the shift from tired office blocks to high-end residential while keeping a sharp eye on design—set a standard that many still fail to meet. In the end, his legacy isn't just in the glass towers he helped raise, but in how he proved that smart, patient development can actually reshape a city's character for the better.