Empire State Building Installing ‘Yelp-Style’ Rating System for Tourists After Too Many Bad Reviews
NEW YORK, NY — In a move that has absolutely nobody asking “finally, some common sense,” the Empire State Building announced today that it will be implementing a mandatory, Yelp-style rating system for all visitors, effective immediately. The skyscraper, long a beacon of Art Deco ambition and the hub of thousands of annual “I’m standing on top of the world” Instagram captions, has apparently had enough of the one-star reviews from people who forgot to bring a jacket and then blamed the building for the wind.
“Look, we get it. You paid $44 to ride an elevator for less than a minute, listened to a mildly interesting audio guide about the 1930s, and then stood in a 40-degree gale-force wind for 20 minutes with a hot dog that cost more than your lunch yesterday,” said Gerald M. Fitzsimmons, a PR flack for the building who looked like he’d rather be anywhere else. “But that’s not a building problem. That’s a you problem. So now, before you can post your whiny little one-star text review on Google, you have to rate yourself.”
The system, dubbed “The Sky-Eye View” (catchy, right?), requires every visitor to scan a QR code at the top of the observation deck. The QR code redirects to a mandatory survey that asks a series of deeply personal, borderline invasive questions. Think of it like a background check, but for your vibe. The survey asks for your “overall tourist competence score” (out of 5 stars), your “ability to not block the view for 45 minutes while your friend takes a 46th photo of your sunglasses reflection,” and your “emotional stability in the face of a $15 Bud Light.”
“We’ve seen it all,” explained Fitzsimmons, leaning against a wall that has seen hundreds of thousands of tourists take pictures of pigeons. “We had a guy give us a one-star review because, and I quote, ‘The clouds were in the way of the skyline.’ The clouds. In the sky. Sir, that’s like giving a strip club a bad review because they had too much glitter. You’re in the wrong place for that complaint.”
The reviews that have already been posted on the new system are, predictably, a dumpster fire of narcissism, but in a way that is somehow more honest than the usual tourist complaints. One user, “BroWithABackpack420,” gave himself a 1.5-star rating with the comment: “I showed up hungover, ate a bag of chips that cost more than my rent, and spent 40 minutes trying to find the bathroom. The building was fine. I was the problem. 0/10 experience, would not recommend my life choices.”
Another user, “KarenFromConnecticut2024,” gave herself a 3-star rating and wrote: “The view was breathtaking! But I found the other tourists to be incredibly rude and loud. They were taking up all the good spots for photos! I asked a nice young man to move, and he said ‘no’! The audacity! I am now giving myself a 3 because I had to wait 10 minutes for a clear shot of the Chrysler Building. The Empire State Building should have a separate VIP lane for people who are better than everyone else.”
The system has even sparked a new type of online content: the “Self-Review Challenge.” TikTok influencers are now racing to give themselves the most brutally honest, self-deprecating review possible. One viral video shows a guy in a full business suit, holding a coffee, staring at the skyline, and then giving himself a 0-star rating with the caption: “I came here on a work trip. I have no friends. I spent $17 on a croissant. I am a failure. The building was fine.”
“It’s honestly the most entertaining thing we’ve done since we stopped letting people jump off the roof,” Fitzsimmons deadpanned. “It’s like a reality show, but everyone is the villain. And honestly? It’s refreshing. Instead of blaming the 90-year-old building for your bad day, you have to look in the mirror and admit you spent $200 to stand in a line for 90 minutes to see a skyline you could have Googled for free.”
Of course, not everyone is thrilled. The New York City tourism board has already sent a strongly worded letter, arguing that the system is “discouraging to potential visitors” and “could hurt the city’s brand.” The board’s spokesperson, a woman named Brenda who looked like she hadn’t smiled since the Giuliani administration, said, “We cannot have tourists coming to New York and feeling judged. This is a city of opportunity, not a city of self-reflection.”
But the Empire State Building is doubling down. They’ve already started selling “I Rated Myself a 0/5” t-shirts in the gift shop, right next to the $60 Statue of Liberty keychains. The shirts are, predictably, a massive hit.
“I bought one,” said a tourist named Dave from Ohio, who was wearing the shirt while eating a slice of pizza that was bigger than his head. “I gave myself a 1-star because I brought my kids. They are loud. They are sticky. They didn’t care about the architecture. They just wanted to touch the glass. The building can’t fix that. I can’t fix that. It’s just life.”
The new system also includes a “Feedback for the Building” section, but the building’s management has made it clear they will only respond to reviews that are 4 stars or higher. “If you give us a 3-star, we assume you had a fine time and you’re just a miserable person,” Fitzsimmons explained. “If you give us a 1-star, we know it’s because you got stuck in the elevator for 10 minutes and your phone died. That’s not our fault. That’s your failure to charge your phone. Go touch grass. Or, you
Final Thoughts
Having covered landmark projects for decades, what strikes me most about the Empire State Building isn't just its Art Deco majesty or its record-breaking construction speed, but its profound resilience. It’s a monument that outlived its original purpose as a commercial office tower, survived a plane crash, and now stands as a defiant symbol of New York's gritty, unyielding spirit. In the end, the building's true legacy isn't the height of its spire, but the quiet lesson it teaches: that the most enduring structures are those built not just of steel, but of collective ambition and the will to rise again.