Colorado AG Phil Weiser Files Lawsuit Against Everyone Who’s Ever Sneezed Near a Dispensary
Denver, CO – Look, I get it. You’re trying to enjoy a legally purchased edible and watch the tumbleweeds roll by, but apparently, Colorado’s Attorney General Phil Weiser has decided that the only thing more dangerous than a fentanyl-laced Tylenol is a slightly-too-strong gummy bear. In a move that has the entire state’s stoner population clutching their bongs in terror, Weiser announced a sweeping lawsuit this week against... well, basically anyone who’s ever looked at a cannabis plant the wrong way.
According to a press release that reads like it was written by a very angry robot who just discovered weed is legal, Weiser’s office is suing “dozens” of unlicensed dispensaries, black market operators, and—I kid you not—a guy named “Todd” who allegedly sold a pre-rolled joint to a minor outside a Denver 7-Eleven. But here’s the kicker: the lawsuit isn’t just about the usual DUI shenanigans or overpriced vape carts. No, no. Weiser is going full Karen on the entire supply chain, claiming that these unlicensed dealers are somehow responsible for “undermining the regulated market” and, I assume, preventing him from enjoying a quiet Saturday afternoon without smelling someone’s Pineapple Express.
Let’s break down the sheer audacity of this power move, shall we? Weiser, a Democrat who’s been AG since 2019, has apparently decided that the best way to combat the black market is to... sue the black market. Brilliant. It’s like trying to stop a flood by suing the rain. The lawsuit targets 41 defendants, including 31 unlicensed stores, 10 unlicensed grows, and one poor soul who allegedly used a lemonade stand as a front for selling pre-rolls. (I’m not making that up. The lawsuit literally says “lemonade stand.” Todd, if you’re reading this, you’re a legend.)
But here’s where it gets truly unhinged: Weiser’s office is also going after property owners who rent to these unlicensed dealers. That’s right, folks. If you own a strip mall and some chucklehead opens a “totally legit” dispensary called “Kush Kingdom” in one of your units, you’re now on the AG’s naughty list. Good luck explaining that to your HOA. “Sorry, Brenda, but I’m being sued by the state because my tenant sold a dime bag to a guy named ‘Cheese.’”
The internet, predictably, has lost its collective mind. Reddit’s r/Denver is a glorious dumpster fire of takes ranging from “Weiser is doing the lord’s work” to “This is just a shakedown for campaign donations.” One user, u/BoulderBongRipper, posted: “Phil Weiser has literally nothing better to do than harass small business owners while the real criminals are out here stealing catalytic converters. Priorities.” Another, u/420BlazeItFeds, chimed in: “Imagine being the AG of a state where weed is legal and still finding ways to be the fun police. Peak bootlicker energy.”
And honestly, they’re not wrong. Colorado’s legal cannabis market is a multi-billion dollar industry that’s been struggling under the weight of insane taxes, federal banking restrictions, and the looming shadow of illicit competition. You’d think the AG would be, I dunno, trying to fix the actual systemic issues that make the black market thrive. But nope. Instead, he’s filing lawsuits like it’s a hobby, probably while sipping a kale smoothie and muttering about “public safety.”
The irony is thick enough to cut with a dab tool. Weiser’s own office admits that the black market exists because of “high taxes” and “regulatory burdens,” but rather than, say, lowering taxes or streamlining regulations, he’s decided to go full Judge Dredd. It’s like complaining that your car is on fire and then pouring gasoline on it while yelling “I’m fixing it!”
But wait, there’s more. The lawsuit also targets “gifting” operations—those loophole shops where you buy a $60 sticker and get a “free” eighth of weed. Look, I’m not saying those are ethical, but they’re the only way for some people to afford cannabis when the legal market charges $70 for a cart that tastes like burnt plastic. Weiser is essentially suing the unlicensed version of a buy-one-get-one-free deal. Real tough guy stuff.
Of course, the cannabis industry’s response has been predictably measured. The Colorado Cannabis Industry Association put out a statement that basically said, “We support enforcement, but also please stop treating our customers like criminals.” Meanwhile, the unlicensed dealers are probably laughing all the way to the bank, because lawsuits take years and they’ll just pop up under a new name tomorrow. “Kush Kingdom” becomes “Kush Kingdom 2: Electric Boogaloo.”
And let’s not forget the timing. This lawsuit drops right in the middle of a housing crisis, an opioid epidemic, and a general sense that the entire country is held together by duct tape and vibes. But sure, Phil. Go after the guy selling weed out of a van with a Slayer sticker on it. That’s the real threat to society.
In conclusion—wait, I’m not supposed to write a conclusion yet. Fine. Let’s just say that if you live in Colorado and you’re not currently being sued by Phil Weiser, you’re probably not trying hard enough.
Final Thoughts
Based on the arc of Phil Weiser’s tenure, what stands out most is his quiet, lawyerly transformation of the Colorado Attorney General’s office from a largely reactive state agency into a proactive national player on antitrust and consumer protection. While critics might argue his high-profile suits against Big Tech and pharmaceutical giants are more political theater than legal substance, the steady, bipartisan approach he has taken—focusing on concrete consumer harm rather than ideological crusades—suggests a savvy pragmatist who understands that the best case law is built on dry facts, not fiery press releases. Ultimately, Weiser’s legacy may be that he successfully modernized the office for an era of algorithmic monopolies and data-driven harms, proving that a former law professor can wield the levers of power with surprising effectiveness, even if the final judgments on his most ambitious cases are still years away.