**Supreme Court Rules Student Loan Forgiveness is Unconstitutional, America Collectively Screams Into The Void**
Well, well, well. Grab your avocado toast and cancel your Netflix subscriptions, because the financial apocalypse we’ve all been dreading just got a fancy new court ruling to make it official. On Friday, the Supreme Court—a group of nine people who have never had to check their bank account before buying a coffee—dropped the hammer on President Biden’s student loan forgiveness plan. The ruling in *Myong Joun v. Department of Education* (yes, that’s the actual guy’s name, and no, it’s not a character from a K-drama) basically told 40 million Americans: “You’re on your own, sucker. Hope you enjoy that 18.99% APR on your 2006 sociology degree.”
Let’s get the technical garbage out of the way. The Court decided, in a 6-3 decision that was about as surprising as finding a MAGA hat at a Dave Matthews concert, that the HEROES Act of 2003 didn’t give the Secretary of Education the authority to wipe out $400 billion in student debt. Chief Justice Roberts wrote the majority opinion, and I’m pretty sure he typed it with one hand while sipping a scotch on a yacht. The gist is: “Congress didn’t explicitly say you could do this, so you can’t. Go back to paying Sallie Mae your firstborn child.”
Now, I know what you’re thinking. “But Reddit, I was promised relief! I spent my entire twenties in a state of financial paralysis, watching my 2.5% interest rate balloon because I deferred my loans during the pandemic to, you know, not die. What do I do now?” Well, Karen, you do what every other American does when the government fumbles the bag: you repost angry memes, call your congressman’s voicemail until it’s full, and then go back to eating ramen and crying in the shower.
The funniest part of this whole shitshow? The plaintiffs. The case was brought by two random dudes, Myong Joun and another guy who I’m convinced is just a paid actor from a law firm. They argued that the forgiveness plan would hurt them because… wait for it… they didn’t qualify for the full $20,000 in relief. Yes, you read that right. Some guy who owes $30,000 in loans is mad that other people might get $10,000 off their debt. It’s like being pissed that your neighbor got a free pizza because you only got a slice. Peak boomer energy, I swear.
But let’s talk about the real victims here: the millions of people who took out loans in good faith, went to college because they were told it was the only way to succeed, and are now trapped in a cycle of interest that makes a payday loan look ethical. The average borrower owes over $37,000. That’s more than a down payment on a house in Ohio. But nope, we can’t forgive that because it’s “unfair to people who already paid off their loans.” Oh, you mean the people who graduated in 1985 when tuition was $2,000 a year and a summer job at Blockbuster covered your books? Yeah, real tough break for them.
And the media’s response? Predictably chaotic. CNN has a panel of economists arguing about “moral hazard” while Fox News is running a segment titled “Biden’s Student Loan Scam Exposed” that cuts to a guy in a suit who definitely never took a loan out in his life. Meanwhile, TikTok influencers are already filming their reaction videos, crying into their DSLRs, and asking for Venmo donations to “cover their legal fees.” It’s a beautiful ecosystem of performative outrage.
The real kicker? This ruling doesn’t even solve the problem. The Court didn’t say “student loans are fine, actually.” They just said “the executive branch can’t do it alone.” So now it’s back to Congress, where the most productive thing they’ve done in the last five years is rename a post office. Good luck getting a bipartisan bill through that cesspool. Mitch McConnell is already drafting a statement about “fiscal responsibility” while simultaneously signing off on another $800 billion defense budget.
But hey, silver lining! If you’re a lawyer, you’re about to make bank. Expect a flood of lawsuits, class actions, and “innovative” debt consolidation scams that promise to “beat the Supreme Court.” Also, the interest on your loans is going to start accruing again in September, so if you haven’t already refinanced your soul to a private lender, now’s the time.
For the Gen Z kids reading this who are still in high school: welcome to the party. You get to choose between a lifetime of debt or a lifetime of working at a warehouse. Enjoy your crippling anxiety. For the millennials who already have kids: congrats, you can now pass your debt down to them like a family heirloom. “See that 529 plan? It’s now a 529 plan for my missed payments.”
And to Myong Joun? I hope you enjoy your fifteen minutes of fame, because you just became the most hated man in America since the guy who invented the “like” button on Facebook. You probably think you’re a hero for “holding the government accountable.” But the reality is you just screwed over millions of people so you could save $20,000 on your own loans. Real main character energy.
So what now? We rage, we meme, and we wait for the next election cycle where politicians will promise to fix it, get elected, and then do absolutely nothing. Rinse and repeat. At least the interest on my loans will give me something to look forward to—like a slow, agonizing financial death. See you in the bankruptcy court, comrades.
Final Thoughts
The Myong Joun ruling feels less like a final verdict and more like a procedural stall, a judicial shrug that leaves borrowers in a familiar purgatory. While it sidesteps the core constitutional debate over executive power in loan forgiveness, it underscores a bitter reality: piecemeal court battles are a poor substitute for the systemic reform the student debt crisis demands. Ultimately, the only lasting solution won't come from a judge's gavel, but from a Congress finally willing to stare down the exorbitant cost of higher education itself.