# Emergency Room Doctor Posts Viral "Menu Board" Of Wildest Excuses Patients Used, And The Internet Is Having A Field Day
Look, we’ve all been there. It’s 3 AM, you’ve got a mysterious pain that *might* be an alien chestburster or maybe just the 47th Taco Bell Crunchwrap Supreme you ate in a fugue state, and you roll into the ER. We get it. But some of y’all are really out here treating the emergency department like it’s an improv comedy audition, and the doctors are the judges who didn’t sign up for this.
A burned-out, likely coffee-and-rage-fueled emergency physician (who shall remain nameless to protect their sanity) took to r/medicine this week and dropped a photo of the “Menu Board” they keep in the break room. It’s a whiteboard, divided into two columns: “Legit Emergency” and “Nah, You Good.” The “Nah, You Good” side is a glorious, terrifying, and deeply American trainwreck of excuses that have been uttered by real, breathing patients. And the internet? Oh, the internet is eating it up like a free sample at Costco.
Let’s get into the hits, because this list is a masterclass in weaponized incompetence and main character syndrome.
**The Top Tier “I’m Not Mad, I’m Just Disappointed” Excuses**
Right there, in bold black marker, is the undisputed champion: **“I thought it was just a bad sunburn, but then I saw the bones.”** Excuse me, sir? You *saw the bones* and you just assumed it was a sunburn? Did you also think the smell of burning hair was just a new cologne? That’s not a sunburn, that’s a Level 4 Grilled Cheeseburger. Did you try aloe vera first? Because if you did, we need to have a different conversation about your life choices.
Then we have the classics: **“My wife said my eyes looked yellow. I told her it was just the lighting in the bathroom.”** Yes, the classic “bathroom lighting” jaundice. It’s a new variant. Very trendy. Also, sir, your skin is the color of a highlighter. The bathroom lighting is not doing that. Your liver is doing that. And it’s not happy.
But the one that made me spit out my iced coffee was this gem: **“I’ve had this ringing in my ear for three weeks. I thought it was just my neighbor’s new sound system.”** Three weeks. For a sound that is literally inside your skull. You blamed your neighbor’s subwoofer for your own tinnitus. That’s not an emergency, that’s a sitcom pilot about a man who has zero self-awareness and a very patient HOA.
**The “I’m Too Sexy For This Hospital” Excuses**
The ER doc also posted a few from the “I’m fine, but my ego is bruised” category. My personal favorite: **“I fell off a stripper pole, but I’m not a stripper. I was just... showing a friend a move.”** Sure, Jan. You were “showing a friend.” We all believe you. The 12-inch gash on your elbow says you were attempting a move that should only be performed by professionals and people who have already accepted their mortality. Also, you’re in the ER. We don’t care if you’re a stripper, a CPA, or a professional juggler. We just need to know if you hit your head.
Then there’s the classic: **“I’m not having a heart attack. I’m just having a really intense feeling about my fantasy football trade.”** Sir, I’m going to be honest with you. If your fantasy football team is causing your left arm to go numb, you need to reevaluate your life priorities and also get a cardiac workup. Your WR1 is not worth a stent.
**The “I’m Not Responsible For My Actions” Excuses**
This is the category that truly feeds the cynical beast. The doctor shared a gem: **“I ate a whole ghost pepper to win a bet. Now my stomach hurts. But I won the bet, so it’s fine.”** No, it’s not fine. You are currently in the emergency department, sweating profusely, and your stomach is making sounds that should only come from a dying engine. You won $20 and a trip to the ER. The math is not mathing.
And the all-time classic: **“I was trying to fix my own toilet and I accidentally superglued my hand to the flush handle. I didn’t want to call 911 because I didn’t want to be a burden.”** You didn’t want to be a burden. So instead, you came to the ER, still attached to the toilet handle, and now we have to get the janitor and a bottle of acetone to free you. You are the burden. You are the main event. We have a dedicated room for people who superglue themselves to things. It’s called “Room 4,” and it smells like regret and acetone.
**The “I Have No Idea How My Body Works” Excuses**
This is the meat and potatoes of the ER menu. The doctor wrote: **“I’ve been coughing for six months. I thought it was just allergies, but my wife said my cough sounds like a seal barking.”** Six months. You have been coughing for half a year. You thought it was just “allergies.” My brother in Christ, that is not allergies. That is either tuberculosis, heart failure, or you are secretly a marine mammal. Please go to the front desk and ask for a full body scan, not a Zyrtec.
And the one that makes every medical professional want to scream into the void: **“I cut my finger with a rusty knife two weeks ago. It’s a little red and warm, but I didn’t want to bother anyone.”** It’s red. It’
Final Thoughts
After covering countless ER shifts, one truth stands out: the emergency department isn't just a place for broken bones and heart attacks—it’s the pressure valve for a fractured healthcare system, where the uninsured and the exhausted go when every other door closes. The relentless crowding I've witnessed isn't a staffing failure; it's the inevitable consequence of a society that treats acute, reactive care as a safety net for chronic neglect. Ultimately, the state of an emergency room is a raw, unfiltered reflection of our collective health—and right now, it’s telling us we're sicker than we want to admit.