Colorado Man Accidentally Votes For Himself In Mirror, Claims ‘I’m The Only Honest Candidate’
DENVER, CO — In a scene that could only be described as the most Colorado thing to happen since the last time someone tried to summit a 14er in Crocs, local man Brad McAllister, 34, has inadvertently cast a ballot for himself after confusing his own reflection for an independent candidate he “respected the vibe of.”
“I was in the booth, staring at the screen, and I just saw this dude who looked really chill, had good posture, and wasn’t screaming about election fraud or whatever,” McAllister told reporters outside a polling station in Larimer County, where he reportedly spent 20 minutes trying to figure out if the “Vote Here” sticker was a QR code for a dispensary. “He looked me dead in the eyes. Didn’t flinch. I thought, ‘Finally, a politician who isn’t a total shitshow.’ So I hit the button. Turns out, it was a reflective surface. Whoops.”
Election officials confirmed that McAllister’s vote for “Brad McAllister (Self)” is technically valid under Colorado’s surprisingly lax “Any Dude With a Pulse” statute, provided the candidate isn’t a registered sex offender or currently on fire. “We get a lot of weird shit in Colorado,” said Clara Higgins, a tired-looking election clerk who has definitely seen some things. “Last cycle, someone tried to write in their dead hamster. We had to disqualify it because the hamster hadn’t updated its voter registration since 2019. But a self-vote? That’s just… sad. But legal.”
The incident has sparked a bizarre, entirely on-brand debate across the Centennial State. Political analysts are calling it a “masterclass in narcissistic incompetence,” while local hemp farmers are just happy someone finally acknowledged the importance of a candidate with “good vibes and no baggage.” “Brad’s platform is solid,” said his roommate, Kevin, who is also his campaign manager, treasurer, and sole donor (they split a pizza last Tuesday). “He’s for lower rent, legalizing all mushrooms, and not being a dick to the guy at the bodega. That’s more than the other clowns are offering.”
McAllister’s platform is, predictably, a work in progress. His policy proposals include mandatory “chill hours” for all state employees, a ban on passive-aggressive notes in apartment building laundry rooms, and a tax incentive for anyone who can name all 54 Colorado fourteeners without Googling them. “I’m not a politician,” McAllister said, adjusting his beanie. “I’m just a guy who got tired of seeing the same dumpster fire every two years. I looked in the mirror and realized: I’m the dumpster fire. But at least I’m an honest dumpster fire.”
The Colorado Secretary of State’s office has issued a statement reminding voters that “mirrors in polling stations are for checking your mask, not your candidate.” They are, however, investigating whether McAllister’s vote constitutes a “self-inflicted wound” under state election law. Legal experts are divided. “On one hand, it’s profoundly stupid,” said constitutional law professor Dr. Linda Park. “On the other hand, it’s the most honest vote I’ve seen in a decade. He genuinely believed he was the best person for the job. That’s more than most voters can say about their picks.”
Social media, predictably, has gone absolutely feral. The hashtag #VoteForYourselfIsNotADateIdea is trending in Denver, while memes comparing McAllister to Narcissus from Greek mythology—but with a vape pen and a Patagonia fleece—are flooding local subreddits. “This is the most Colorado thing ever,” wrote user u/DenverDumpsterFire420. “We have a guy who accidentally ran for office because he liked his own reflection. Meanwhile, I can’t even get my HOA to fix the pothole in my driveway. Honestly, I’d vote for him over the guy who keeps putting up signs about ‘restoring traditional values’ while driving a lifted truck that gets 8 MPG.”
McAllister’s campaign has gained a bizarre grassroots following. Supporters have started a GoFundMe to buy him a new pair of hiking boots and a “Brad 2024” flag that looks suspiciously like a thin blue line flag but with a cannabis leaf. His opponent, incumbent state representative Karen Billings (R-Littleton), released a statement calling McAllister “a dangerous distraction” and a “walking HR violation.” McAllister responded by posting a video of himself eating a gummy bear while staring into a webcam, captioning it: “This is what transparency looks like.”
When asked if he plans to actually serve if elected, McAllister seemed genuinely confused. “Wait, I have to do stuff? Like… show up? Fuck, I thought it was just a vibes thing. Okay, new plan: I’ll appoint my cat as lieutenant governor. She’s got strong opinions about the mailman. That’s basically foreign policy, right?”
As of press time, McAllister is leading in one of those online polls that definitely isn’t scientific and 78% of respondents said they’d “rather vote for a mirror” than any major party candidate. Colorado remains, as always, the chaotic neutral of American politics.
Final Thoughts
Looking at the Colorado results, the real story isn't just about wins and losses, but the stubborn resilience of suburban swing voters who continue to reject the most extreme culture-war messaging. While Democrats held the line, the margins in key districts feel thinner than a Denver winter breeze, suggesting that incumbency alone won't shield them from economic anxieties simmering just below the surface. Ultimately, Colorado is a bellwether that rewards pragmatism, and both parties should read these numbers not as a mandate, but as a warning.