Colorado Election Results Prove That Yes, Your Vote Actually Doesn’t Matter (But In a Fun Way)
DENVER, CO – In a stunning display of political theater that somehow cost $47 million, the Colorado primary election results are in, and I’m pleased to report that absolutely nothing has changed. The state, which is basically just a giant organic grocery store staffed by people who hike before 6 AM, has once again proven that the only thing more predictable than a Colorado voter is the fact that they will, without fail, elect a moderate Democrat who promises to “protect the outdoors” while simultaneously approving a new luxury condo development next to a bison herd.
Let’s get the boring numbers out of the way. The Democratic primary saw incumbent Senator Michael Bennet—a man whose charisma is roughly equivalent to a lukewarm cup of oat milk—cruise to victory with 74% of the vote. His opponent, some guy named Andrew Romanoff who I’m pretty sure is a ghost from a 2010 campaign flyer, got the remaining 26%. On the Republican side, it was a bloodbath of epic proportions. The frontrunner, a businessman named Joe O’Dea who looks like he could be the CEO of a company that makes “artisanal ladders,” snagged the nomination with a whopping 55% of the vote. The other 45% was split between a MAGA hat salesman, a woman who promised to “bring back coal” (in Colorado, where we have exactly zero coal jobs left), and a guy whose entire platform was “I have a truck.”
But let’s be real, nobody cares about the primaries. The real story is the voter turnout: a blistering 28% of registered voters showed up. That’s not a typo. Twenty-eight percent. That’s lower than the percentage of people in Denver who actually know how to merge onto I-25 without causing a multi-car pileup. That’s lower than the percentage of Boulder residents who have tried kale. We’re talking about a state where people will line up for four hours to buy a limited-edition strain of weed from a dispensary that only accepts Bitcoin, but can’t be bothered to spend 15 minutes filling out a mail-in ballot that was literally mailed to their house like a care package from democracy itself.
I asked a random guy at a coffee shop in LoDo why he didn’t vote. He was wearing a Patagonia vest over a flannel shirt, had a beard that could house a small family of songbirds, and was drinking a $9 latte made from beans that were ethically sourced from a mountain in Peru. His response: “Uh, I was going to, but then I saw the forecast for May 15th was like, partly cloudy with a chance of existential dread, so I just went for a bike ride instead.” Sir, you are the problem. You are the reason we can’t have nice things. Or, you know, functional government.
But wait, it gets worse. The ballot measures, which are always the real circus, passed with flying colors. Proposition FF, which legalizes the recreational use of “emotional support rocks,” passed with 68% of the vote. It now allows residents to carry a smooth, palm-sized stone in their pocket and claim it’s for “anxiety relief.” I’m not making this up. Meanwhile, Proposition GG, which would have required all new housing developments to include a mandatory kombucha brewing station, failed by a razor-thin margin because the NIMBYs in Cherry Hills Village got scared that the “unwashed masses” might try to drink their fermented tea.
And let’s not forget the local races. In Denver, the mayor’s race went to a former city council member who promised to “fix the homeless crisis” by opening more shelters, which is a fancy way of saying “move all the tents from Capitol Hill to a different street.” In Colorado Springs, the voters elected a guy who wants to turn the city into a “Christian libertarian utopia,” which basically means you can have a gun in one hand and a Bible in the other, but God forbid you try to build a bike lane.
The real kicker? The 72% of Coloradans who didn’t vote are now posting on Nextdoor about how “the system is broken” and “my vote doesn’t matter.” No, Karen, your vote doesn’t matter because you didn’t cast it. You were too busy arguing about whether the HOA should allow chickens in the backyard. You were too busy complaining about the price of avocados at Whole Foods. You were too busy posting a Facebook meme about how “both sides are the same” while simultaneously failing to realize that one side is trying to ban books about pandas and the other side is trying to ban diesel trucks. They are not the same.
But hey, at least the weed is still legal. And the mountains are still pretty. And we can all agree that the only thing worse than a Colorado election is the traffic on I-70 on a Saturday morning in ski season. So go ahead, pat yourself on the back for “living in a swing state” while simultaneously doing nothing to swing it. The results are in, and the only thing that changed is my blood pressure.
Final Thoughts
Looking at the Colorado results, the real story isn't just about the margins—it's about the state’s deepening electoral alignment, where even traditionally competitive districts are hardening into predictable partisan strongholds. This election cycle confirms that Colorado's infamous "purple" days are firmly behind us; the state now operates as a reliable blue bastion, and both parties will need to adjust their national strategies accordingly. In the end, the data suggests that Colorado isn't just voting for candidates anymore—it's voting for a distinct regional identity that will shape the national political landscape for the foreseeable future.