Roy Moore's Latest Crusade: Declares War on 'Woke' Lightbulbs, Insists God Prefers Incandescent
BIRMINGHAM, AL – In a move that has absolutely no one with a functioning frontal lobe surprised, former Alabama Chief Justice and all-around human trash fire Roy Moore has emerged from his lair of legal defeats and moral crusades to announce his newest target: the humble lightbulb. Specifically, the ones that don't scream "1955" every time you flip a switch.
Speaking at a rally that looked like a retirement home's "Come as You Were in 1964" party, Moore railed against what he calls the "tyranny of the energy-efficient, woke, globalist lightbulb." Because, according to Moore, the only thing standing between America and total societal collapse is the ability to burn your hand on a lighting fixture that costs $0.50 a month to run.
"I'm telling you, folks, the devil is in the details," Moore thundered, his jowls jiggling with righteous indignation. "And those details are LED bulbs that last ten years. That's not natural. That's not American. The Good Lord gave us incandescent bulbs that burn out in three months so we could buy more and support the economy. This is basic economics, people!"
The crowd, a sea of khaki shorts, white New Balance sneakers, and faces that looked like they'd just smelled a bad batch of pickled eggs, erupted in applause. One man, identified only as "Cletus from Tuscaloosa," held up a sign that read: "MY GOD, MY GUNS, MY 150-WATT BULBS." A woman near the back was seen trying to change a lightbulb with a pitchfork.
But Moore's reasoning gets even more, shall we say, "special." He claims that LED bulbs are a plot by the "Deep State" to control American sleep schedules. "You think it's a coincidence that these woke bulbs don't get hot? No, sir! They're designed so you can't use them to warm your chicken coop in a pinch. It's a conspiracy against self-reliance!" He then went on to explain that the only reason Thomas Edison invented the lightbulb was so that Americans could see better while reading the Bible, and that LEDs are "Satan's little glow sticks."
Now, for those of you keeping score at home, this is the same Roy Moore who was accused by multiple women of sexual misconduct, including one who said he groped her when she was 14 and he was a 32-year-old assistant district attorney. He then lost a Senate race to Doug Jones, a Democrat, in the deep red state of Alabama. You'd think that would be the universe's way of saying, "Hey, Roy, maybe sit this next one out." But no, when life gives you lemons, Roy Moore makes a lemon-flavored crusade against citrus fruits.
Moore's campaign, "Light the Way Back to the 19th Century," has already raised a surprising amount of money from donors who apparently think the biggest threat to their way of life is being able to see their own hands in the dark without a 10-minute warm-up period. "I donated $50," said one supporter, Martha, 72. "Now I can't afford my arthritis medication, but at least my house will look like a set from 'The Andy Griffith Show.' Priorities."
Critics have been quick to point out the sheer, mind-boggling stupidity of this. "This is a man who was removed from the Alabama Supreme Court twice for refusing to follow federal law," said Dr. Emily Carter, a political science professor at the University of Alabama. "And now he's trying to argue that energy efficiency is a communist plot. It's like watching a car crash in slow motion, but the car is made of bad ideas and the driver is a legal grievance."
The article goes on to mention that the Department of Energy has actually banned the manufacture of most incandescent bulbs as of 2023, a move that Moore says is "proof that we are living in the end times." He has vowed to take this fight to the Supreme Court, arguing that the First Amendment guarantees his right to a lighting source that can double as a space heater.
"I will not rest until every home in America can once again experience the joy of a bulb that's too hot to touch," Moore declared, sweat beading on his forehead under the harsh, unforgiving light of the very technology he's trying to destroy. "This is about freedom. The freedom to waste energy. The freedom to burn your ceiling. The freedom to have a light so yellow and dim that you can't tell if your child is suffering from jaundice or just standing under a 40-watt bulb. That's the America I'm fighting for."
In a truly ironic twist, the rally was held in a community center that was lit exclusively by LED bulbs. When asked about the contradiction, Moore's campaign manager, a man whose eyes had the dead, hollow look of someone who has made too many terrible life choices, said, "We couldn't find any incandescent bulbs. The venue said they were 'fire hazards.' The deep state has already won."
As of press time, Moore was reportedly seen at a local hardware store, trying to buy a kerosene lamp. The clerk asked if he needed a receipt. Moore reportedly replied, "The only receipt I need is my salvation from the tyranny of the Department of Energy." The clerk just nodded and slowly backed away.
Final Thoughts
Roy Moore’s political career was always a testament to the raw, unvarnished power of cultural grievance, but his final acts in the public square became a cautionary tale about the limits of that formula. In the end, the multiple accusations of sexual misconduct against him weren’t just a legal or moral crisis—they were a brutal litmus test for a political movement that prioritized tribal loyalty over credible evidence and basic decency. What we’re left with is not just the wreckage of a man, but a clear-eyed reminder that when a politician trades entirely on righteous anger, he often leaves no room for accountability when the righteous are the ones accusing him.