Pima County Sheriff’s Department Baffled as Local Man Uses Taxpayer-Funded Helicopter to Retrieve Taco Bell from Ditch
TUCSON, AZ – In a move that has simultaneously delighted and horrified the internet, the Pima County Sheriff’s Department is currently fielding a PR nightmare after a 34-year-old local man, identified only as “Chad” on his Venmo account, commandeered a department helicopter to retrieve a single, unopened Crunchwrap Supreme from a drainage ditch.
Yes, you read that right. While you were struggling to find a parking spot at the mall, this absolute legend of fiscal irresponsibility decided the best use of a multi-million dollar aviation asset was a mid-afternoon taco retrieval mission. I’m not saying we should all get a vote on how the police spend their budget, but I am saying that if I had a vote, it would have been “no” on the taco run.
Here’s the play-by-play, as pieced together from a heavily redacted incident report and a truly unhinged 911 call that has since been leaked to the local Fox affiliate.
At approximately 2:17 PM on a Tuesday (the most Tuesday of all days), Chad, whose official occupation is listed as “e-commerce entrepreneur” (read: sells used Funko Pops on eBay), was driving his 2004 Honda Civic with a missing muffler along a dusty stretch of road near the Rillito River. While attempting to simultaneously vape, check his Robinhood portfolio, and unwrap a Taco Bell bean burrito, he swerved. The Crunchwrap Supreme, in its cardboard throne, launched from the passenger seat, flew through the open window, and landed with a sickening *plop* in a six-foot-deep, mud-filled drainage ditch.
Most people would write it off. Maybe curse the heavens, buy another one, and move on with their lives. But Chad is not most people. Chad is a man of principle. A man who has watched too many episodes of *Cops*. A man who, upon seeing a Sheriff’s Department helicopter doing routine patrol overhead, decided to call 911 to file what he termed a “high-value property recovery request.”
“I need immediate extraction assistance,” Chad reportedly told the dispatcher. “My lunch is in a ditch. It’s not just any lunch. It’s a limited-time item. It’s the Crunchwrap. You understand? The *Supreme*. This is a top-tier priority. I’m not moving until I see rotors.”
The dispatcher, who has since been placed on administrative leave pending a psych evaluation, initially laughed. Then she patched him through to the air support unit. And here’s where it gets wild: The pilot, Officer Brian “Chopper” McNulty, a 15-year veteran, apparently thought it was a joke at first. But Chad was insistent. He provided GPS coordinates. He described the exact shade of off-white the tortilla was. He even offered to Venmo the pilot $20 for gas.
Now, the official PCSD statement says this was a “miscommunication regarding a potential drowning victim in a water hazard.” But the audio tells a different story. You can hear the pilot say, “Control, I have a visual on the subject. He’s pointing at the ditch. He’s holding up a Taco Bell receipt. Is this… is this the guy? Over.”
The helicopter descended. The downdraft sent Chad’s hair into a perfect 90s boy-band swoop. Using the skid, Officer McNulty managed to hook the greasy, mud-caked cardboard container. He then hovered over Chad, lowering the prize via a rope. Chad did not say thank you. He did not salute. He simply unwrapped the taco, inspected it for mud, took a bite, and then drove off.
The entire operation took 14 minutes and cost an estimated $4,700 in fuel, maintenance, and pilot overtime.
Naturally, the internet has responded with the dignity and nuance you’d expect from a platform that once turned a guy’s missing couch into a national security incident.
“NTA. The Crunchwrap Supreme is a cultural touchstone. The Sheriff’s Department should be honored to serve the public in this way. Chad is a hero,” wrote Reddit user u/TacoLord_69.
“YTA. This is why my property taxes are high. You could have just ordered DoorDash like a normal person. Also, you drive a 2004 Civic. You don’t get to have opinions on food,” countered u/DebtFreeAndBitter.
The Pima County Board of Supervisors is reportedly livid. One anonymous source told me they are considering a new ordinance: “The Crunchwrap Clause,” which would impose a $5,000 fine for frivolous use of emergency services involving fast food. But honestly, is it frivolous? Is it?
Let’s be real for a second (before we go back to being sarcastic trolls). The Tucson metro area has a real problem with property crime, fentanyl overdoses, and, you know, actual emergencies. The PCSD is constantly understaffed. And yet, the one time a helicopter actually gets deployed for a mission that has zero percent chance of ending in a shootout, it’s for a burrito.
This is the kind of story that makes you question the entire social contract. Are we a society that values human life, or are we a society that values a warm, sauce-drenched tortilla? The answer, based on the comments section of the local news article, is a complicated “both, but mostly the tortilla.”
Meanwhile, the Taco Bell at the intersection of Speedway and Alvernon has reported a 300% increase in sales of the Crunchwrap Supreme over the last 24 hours. They’ve also reportedly hired a security guard to watch the drive-thru drainage ditch. The manager, a tired-looking woman named Maria, told me, “I’ve seen people fight over the last Baja Blast. I’ve seen someone try to return a taco because it was ‘too warm.’ But I have
Final Thoughts
After reviewing the coverage of the Pima County Sheriff's Department, it's clear that the agency is perpetually caught in the tension between traditional Western law enforcement and modern accountability standards. While their handling of border-related incidents and rural patrols often reflects a no-nonsense, boots-on-the-ground pragmatism, the lingering questions about oversight and use-of-force protocols suggest a department that hasn't fully reconciled its image with the demands of a changing community. Ultimately, the Sheriff's Office remains a powerful, if occasionally recalcitrant, institution whose effectiveness will be measured not just by arrest stats, but by its willingness to evolve beyond the old guard's playbook.