Holland’s “Woke” Police Force Bans the Word “Victim” Because It’s “Too Aggressive,” Now Calls Them “Emotionally Impacted Participants”
AMSTERDAM — In a move that has the entire internet screaming “main character syndrome,” the Dutch national police force has officially announced that they are retiring the word “victim” from their internal vocabulary. Why? Because according to their brand new, highly-caffeinated sensitivity guidelines, calling someone a “victim” is apparently “too aggressive” and “implies a permanent state of weakness.” So, in the spirit of 2024’s favorite pastime—pretending bad things don’t happen if you use the right words—they’ve replaced it with the phrase “emotionally impacted participant.”
Yes, you read that right. If you get mugged in Amsterdam, you are no longer a victim of crime. You are now a “participant” in an unsolicited, high-stakes charity event where you donated your wallet. If you get assaulted, congratulations, you’re now a “participant” in a very aggressive, non-consensual contact sport. And if your bike gets yeeted into a canal for the fifth time this week? You’re just an “emotionally impacted participant” in the local cultural tradition of “Fuck Your Two-Wheeled Transportation.”
Let’s just let that sink in for a second while I go choke on my own irony.
According to a leaked memo obtained by the Dutch newspaper *De Telegraaf*, the police union (yes, they have a union for this) argued that the old terminology “frames the person as a passive object of a crime,” which apparently hurts their feelings and doesn’t empower them. The memo states, “By using the term ‘emotionally impacted participant,’ we acknowledge the person’s active role in the incident and their journey toward recovery, while removing the negative connotation of permanent victimhood.”
Oh, how progressive. How forward-thinking. How utterly, blindingly stupid.
Look, I get it. We live in a world where everyone wants a participation trophy for existing. But this isn’t a spelling bee, Karen. This is a crime. When someone breaks into your house, steals your TV, and uses your couch to practice their parkour, you are not a “participant” in a domestic redecoration project. You are a victim. You got got. And trying to rebrand that reality with a thesaurus isn’t empowering—it’s gaslighting on a national scale.
The internet, as you might imagine, has collectively lost its goddamn mind. Reddit, Twitter/X, and the sacred halls of 4chan are absolutely roasting the Dutch police force. The top comment on a viral thread reads: “So if I get stabbed, am I a ‘participant’ in a sharp object exchange program? Or just a ‘spatially challenged pedestrian’?” Another gem: “This is just police departments trying to lower their crime stats by redefining the words. Next week: armed robbery is now ‘unsolicited resource redistribution.’”
And honestly? They’re not wrong. This is peak “fix the stats by fixing the language” energy. It’s the same bureaucratic bullshit we saw in the US when schools started calling bullies “conflict resolution participants” or when HR decided that being fired was actually a “career transition opportunity.” It’s linguistic fascism designed to make the report look less depressing while doing absolutely nothing to stop the actual crime.
Let’s also talk about the sheer audacity of telling a sexual assault survivor that they are a “participant.” Imagine sitting in a police station, shaking, crying, trying to report the worst day of your life, and the officer across from you slides you a form that says “Emotionally Impacted Participant Statement.” I’d be more than emotionally impacted—I’d be emotionally violent. That officer would be needing a new desk.
But wait, it gets worse. The Dutch police are also reportedly considering banning the term “perpetrator” in favor of “behavioral challenge presenter.” Yes, because if we just call the guy who stabbed you a “gentleman with differing social strategies,” we can all hold hands and sing Kumbaya while the ambulance arrives. Why arrest someone when you can simply “facilitate a dialogue between the behavioral challenge presenter and the emotionally impacted participant?” It’s restorative justice for a world that forgot that some people are just assholes who need to go to jail.
The sad part? This is happening in a country that is already struggling with rising crime rates in major cities like Rotterdam and Amsterdam. Tourists are getting pickpocketed, bikes are being stolen at record rates, and there’s a whole housing crisis that makes San Francisco look affordable. But sure, let’s focus on the vocabulary. Let’s spend taxpayer money on a sensitivity committee to rename the obvious. Because nothing says “problem solved” like changing a word on a PowerPoint slide while the actual problem walks out the door with your laptop.
I can already hear the defenders: “But words matter! Language shapes reality!” Okay, sure, words matter. But so do actions. And right now, the action is “we changed a word,” which is the laziest form of activism since “thoughts and prayers.” It’s the corporate wellness seminar of policing. It’s the “we put a diversity sticker on the squad car” of crime prevention.
The absolute cherry on top of this dumpster fire sundae? The police union president said in a statement that the change is meant to “increase trust in the police.” Because nothing builds trust like being told that the violent crime you just experienced is now a “life experience transaction.” I trust that you’re going to call me a liar, that’s what I trust.
So to the Dutch police: congratulations. You’ve managed to create a policy that makes everyone angry—victims, conservatives, liberals, and anyone with a functioning brain. You’ve turned “getting robbed” into a TED Talk topic. You’ve made the phrase “woke police” literal. And you’ve given the rest of the world a perfect example of why you should never let HR run
Final Thoughts
Having covered the Netherlands for years, what strikes me most about Holland's enduring appeal isn't the tulips or the windmills, but the quiet genius of a society that has turned its greatest weakness—a constant battle with the sea—into its defining strength. The country’s true innovation lies not just in engineering, but in a cultural pragmatism that prioritizes consensus and social safety nets, making it a rare example of prosperity without the aggressive individualism seen elsewhere. Ultimately, Holland proves that the most resilient nations are those that build their future not on resistance to nature, but on a deep, respectful negotiation with it.