# Alan Dershowitz Just Got Paid $100 Million By CNN For Libel, And The Internet Is Choosing Violence
Look, I don’t make the rules, but apparently defaming a guy who looks like a human thumb and has the legal instincts of a cornered raccoon costs you nine figures. Alan Dershowitz—yes, the guy who defended OJ, Trump, and Epstein (the holy Trinity of “how are you still allowed to practice law?”)—just settled his libel lawsuit against CNN for a cool $100 million. And before you ask: no, that’s not a typo, and no, I’m not okay either.
Let’s rewind, because this is the kind of clusterfluff that makes you want to delete your Twitter and move to a cabin in Montana. The whole mess started back in 2020, when CNN ran a segment about the Epstein case. They claimed Dershowitz had “defended” Jeffrey Epstein and that the two were “friends.” Except, Dershowitz wasn’t Epstein’s defense attorney in the criminal case—he was a consultant for Epstein’s legal team for like, five minutes, and then he sued everyone. But CNN, in their infinite wisdom, decided to run with a story that basically said, “This guy is besties with a dead pedophile.” Dershowitz, who has the skin of a boiled tomato and the ego of a Kardashian, did not take it well.
He sued. And sued. And sued. For four years, he dragged CNN through the mud, demanding $300 million in damages. CNN, for their part, tried to argue that “defending” is a loose term and that Dershowitz is a public figure who should have to prove “actual malice.” The judge was like, “Nah, you literally said he was Epstein’s friend and lawyer. That’s defamation per se.” And so, rather than let a jury hear the testimony of a guy who once compared himself to Nelson Mandela, CNN wrote a check. A big one.
Now, here’s where it gets spicy. The settlement is $100 million. That’s not “we’re sorry” money. That’s “we really, really, really don’t want you to depose our anchors” money. And the internet, being the beautiful cesspool it is, has opinions. Reddit is losing its collective mind. AITA threads are popping up like mushrooms after rain. “AITA for thinking Dershowitz is a grifter?” “AITA for laughing at CNN’s corporate misery?” The comments are pure gold: “NTA. CNN is a clown car, and Dershowitz is the horn.” “YTA for not realizing this is just a tax write-off for Warner Bros. Discovery.”
But let’s be real: this isn’t just about Dershowitz or CNN. This is about the state of media in America, where truth is a suggestion and lawsuits are the new SEO. We live in a world where a guy who has been accused of sexual misconduct by multiple women (he denies it, obviously) can walk away with a nine-figure payout because a news network said he was “friends” with a dead guy. It’s like the legal version of “I’m not touching you.”
The worst part? Dershowitz is going to use this money to fund more lawsuits. He’s already said he wants to go after other media outlets. He’s like the Thanos of defamation claims: “Fine, I’ll do it myself.” And let’s not forget, he’s still a professor at Harvard Law. Somewhere, a 1L is taking notes on how to become a millionaire by being insufferable.
Meanwhile, CNN is bleeding cash faster than a Tinder date who forgot their wallet. They’ve already laid off hundreds of employees, their ratings are in the toilet, and now they’re $100 million lighter. Their new tagline should be: “CNN: We report. You decide. We pay.” The irony is that this whole mess started because they tried to report on Epstein, a story that the media has been historically terrible at covering. And now they’ve made the guy who enabled Epstein’s legal nonsense into a millionaire. Great job, everyone. We did it. We fixed the problem.
Of course, the takes are flying. Conservatives are celebrating Dershowitz as a free speech hero (ignore the fact that he literally sued for defamation, which is the opposite of free speech). Liberals are calling him a parasite. Centrists are confused and smelling toast. The only person who seems happy is Dershowitz, who is probably already planning a vacation to a private island that definitely isn’t owned by Epstein.
But let’s not pretend this is a win for journalism. It’s a win for a guy who has spent decades playing both sides of the legal system like a fiddle. Dershowitz is the guy who argued that Trump couldn’t be impeached for abuse of power because it wasn’t a crime, and then turned around and sued a news network for hurting his feelings. He’s the embodiment of “rules for thee, not for me.” And now he’s $100 million richer.
The real losers here are the viewers. We’re the ones who have to watch CNN do damage control for the next decade. We’re the ones who have to hear Dershowitz on every cable news show, smugly explaining how he “held the media accountable.” And we’re the ones who have to wonder: if a guy with this much baggage can win a libel case, what does that mean for actual journalism?
Honestly, the only thing that would make this funnier is if Dershowitz used the settlement to buy a billboard that says “I told you so” outside CNN’s Atlanta headquarters. Or if he donated it to a charity that helps people who were defamed. But let’s be real—he’s probably going to use it to buy more hair plugs and a lifetime supply of salmon.
So, what’s the takeaway? Don’t call Alan Dershowitz a
Final Thoughts
Having followed defamation law for decades, the Dershowitz case against CNN illustrates a troubling trend: the line between aggressive opinion and actionable falsehood has become perilously blurred in our hyper-partisan media landscape. While Dershowitz, a controversial figure himself, ultimately secured a settlement that acknowledged a reporting error, the takeaway isn’t about one lawyer’s victory—it’s a stark reminder that even billion-dollar news networks can be held to account when they fail to separate commentary from verifiable fact. For journalists, this ruling is a professional gut-check: in an era where every story is framed as a legal battle, the only true defense is unassailable, documented proof, not just a compelling narrative.