Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool Finally Drains; Finds $47 in Change, 14 Shopping Carts, and a Slightly Moist John Wilkes Booth Fan-Fic
WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a move that shocked absolutely no one who has ever looked at it for more than five seconds, the National Park Service announced yesterday that they have finally drained the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool for routine maintenance. What they found lurking beneath the murky, algae-infested waters reads like a fever dream from a D.C. tour guide who’s had one too many crab cakes.
According to an NPS spokesperson, the two-week, $1.2 million drain project was “long overdue” and “a necessary step to preserve the structural integrity of the basin.” Translation: the thing was a public swimming pool for pigeons and the occasional confused tourist who thought it was a baptismal font. Seriously, folks. If you’re gonna try to walk on water, at least pick a pool that hasn’t been marinating in sunscreen and abandoned vape pens since 2001.
The real juice, however, came when the water level dropped below the ankle-scum line. The NPS recovery team, armed with industrial-strength grabbers and a surprising amount of hazmat gear, pulled out a haul that would make a hoarder’s garage sale look curated. The official tally? A staggering $47.83 in loose change (mostly pennies, because America), 14 shopping carts from three different grocery chains (Target, Giant, and one from a now-defunct Blockbuster), a fully intact but horrifically waterlogged copy of “The Anarchist Cookbook,” and—brace yourselves—a 200-page, single-spaced, spiral-bound fan-fiction about John Wilkes Booth titled “One Last Booth: A Love Story in the Shadows of the Mall.”
Yeah. You read that right. Someone wrote a 200-page fan-fic about the guy who shot Lincoln, and they apparently thought the best place to store it was under two feet of water in the pool dedicated to Honest Abe’s memory. The level of disrespect is so astronomical that historians are currently convening a panel to determine if this is the most American thing ever or just the most Reddit thing ever. The jury’s still out, but your boy is leaning toward “both.”
But the fan-fic wasn’t even the wildest find. Let’s talk about the shopping carts. Fourteen. That’s not a coincidence, folks. That’s a lifestyle choice. Someone—or more likely, a group of someones—has been using the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool as a makeshift shopping cart graveyard. I’m picturing a pack of suburban dads who, after a particularly brutal trip to the Costco parking lot, decided that the best way to dispose of their loose carts was to launch them into the nation’s most iconic puddle like they were competing in the Cart Olympics. Bronze medal? Silver? No, my friends: they were going for the gold, which is apparently a rusty cart half-submerged in algae next to a copy of “50 Shades of Gray” (also recovered, because of course).
And let’s not ignore the sheer volume of lost electronics. The NPS team fished out 37 cell phones, most of which were iPhones from the 2014-2018 era. You know, the ones people accidentally dropped while trying to get that perfect “I’m so profound” selfie with the Lincoln statue in the background. Congratulations, you dipshits. You now have a permanent artifact in the Smithsonian’s “How to Be a Basic Tourist” exhibit. Also recovered: 12 GoPros (all from the same dude named Chad, presumably), a Tamagotchi from 1997, and what appears to be a heavily degraded Furby that was making a faint, gurgling noise that sounded suspiciously like “I want to die.”
But wait, there’s more. The NPS also found a wedding ring—still in its box, still with a receipt from Jared’s dated 2019. If you’re out there, buddy, I hate to break it to you, but your proposal plan might have gone a little off the rails. Either that or you had a very, very bad breakup and decided to give the ring a watery grave. Either way, it’s tax-deductible now.
Now, I know what you’re thinking: “This is just a feel-good story about a public works project, right?” Wrong. This is a goddamn indictment of the American psyche. We treat our national monuments like they’re public trash cans with a side of historical significance. The Lincoln Memorial is supposed to be a place of reflection, unity, and quiet reverence. Instead, it’s a cesspool of consumer waste, petty crimes, and a disturbing amount of fan fiction about the assassination of a president.
Look, I get it. The reflecting pool is iconic. It’s the backdrop for every protest, every movie climax, every “I have a dream” speech reenactment by a high school drama club. But if you have to walk through a minefield of discarded vape cartridges and wet shopping carts to get your “Forrest Gump” moment, maybe we’ve collectively lost the plot.
The NPS says the pool will be refilled with fresh, filtered water by next month. New signage will be installed reminding visitors that “no, you cannot rent a paddleboat” and “yes, throwing your trash in here makes you a bad person.” But let’s be real: that sign will be in the pool by week two, right next to a half-eaten hot dog and a note from a middle schooler that says “Mr. Lincoln, you owe me $5.”
So here’s my AITA-style verdict to the American public: YTA. You are the asshole. For the love of all that is holy, stop using the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool as your personal dumpster. It’s not a fountain of youth. It’s not a wishing well. It’s a shallow, man-made pond that cost $1.2 million to clean. And if I find out you’re the one who wrote that Booth fan-fic
Final Thoughts
The Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool, for all its iconic grandeur, is more than just a photogenic backdrop for selfies; it’s a deliberately engineered scar on the National Mall, a 2,000-foot-long mirror that forces a pause in the relentless rush of D.C. traffic. Having covered enough political rallies and quiet dawns there, I’ve come to see it not as stagnant water, but as a barometer of the nation’s mood—calm on a quiet Tuesday, choppy and charged with the echo of a million voices on a protest day. Ultimately, its power lies in that deceptive simplicity: it reflects not just the marble of Lincoln, but the very soul of the democracy that built it, flaws and all.