**Professor Accused of Using ‘Loud Metronome’ to Troll Students During Exams Gets Tenure**
Okay, look. We all know college is a scam. You pay $50,000 a year to live in a dorm that smells like stale piss and regret, only to graduate with a degree in “Underwater Basket Weaving” and a mountain of debt that will follow you to the grave. But every once in a while, the universe throws us a curveball so unhinged, so magnificently petty, that you have to stand up and slow clap. That time is now.
Meet Dr. Marcus “The Vibe Killer” Hendricks, a neuroscience professor at the University of Northern Colorado. If you haven’t heard of him yet, strap in, because this man just became a living legend for doing the single most chaotic thing a professor has ever done in the history of higher education. And no, it’s not grading papers on time.
According to a viral TikTok (where else?) posted by a student named “Samantha R.,” Dr. Hendricks has been using a “loud metronome” during his final exams for the past three years. Not a subtle tick-tick-tick. We’re talking a full-on, amplified, *Lord of the Rings* drumbeat of doom that sounds like a giant clock is having a seizure in the corner of the lecture hall.
The video shows a classroom of about 200 students, all sweating bullets, frantically scribbling answers to a multiple-choice test on synaptic transmission. In the background, you hear it: *THUMP. THUMP. THUMP.* It’s relentless. It’s deafening. It sounds like the countdown to a nuclear launch.
Naturally, the internet lost its collective mind. The comments are a goldmine of pure, unadulterated rage. “This man is a war criminal,” one user wrote. “I would have snapped and eaten my Scantron,” said another. “This is why I dropped out to become a Twitch streamer.”
But here’s the twist that makes this story absolutely AITA-worthy.
When the student—who was clearly in the middle of a full-blown panic attack—went to the Dean to complain, she was told that Dr. Hendricks had “documented pedagogical reasons” for the metronome. The Dean refused to intervene. So, Samantha took it to the internet.
That’s when the professor himself logged onto Reddit.
In a now-deleted post on r/Professors (the most unhinged subreddit for academics who hate their students), a user with the handle “DrTrollMaster2024” wrote a detailed explanation. He claimed the metronome was a “pressure-inoculation tool.” He said it replicates the “real-world stress of a high-stakes environment” and that students who can’t focus with a loud, distracting sound “don’t deserve to be neuroscientists.”
LMAO. Okay, boomer.
But wait, it gets better. A former TA came forward on X (formerly Twitter) and dropped a nuclear bomb: Dr. Hendricks is a huge fan of the band *Tool*. The metronome was set to the exact tempo of the bridge in “Schism.” You know, that part where the time signature changes and you feel like your brain is melting? Yeah. That.
So the whole “stress inoculation” thing is a total cover story. This man literally just wanted to vibe to *Tool* while watching 200 Gen Z kids have existential crises. He was using a loud metronome as his personal Spotify playlist. Legend. Absolute legend.
Now, here’s where the plot thickens like cold oatmeal.
The University of Northern Colorado Board of Trustees, in a move that surprised absolutely no one, announced yesterday that Dr. Hendricks has been granted tenure. Effective immediately. The official statement read: “Dr. Hendricks has a unique and effective teaching methodology that prepares students for the rigors of academic research. We fully support his pedagogical choices.”
Translation: “We don’t give a single flying f*ck what you think, you little snowflakes. He’s here forever.”
The student body is currently in shambles. A Change.org petition to have the metronome removed has over 15,000 signatures, but we all know how those end up. In a landfill. Next to your diploma.
Let’s break this down from a Reddit perspective. Is Dr. Hendricks the asshole here? Technically, yes. He’s literally torturing students with audio terrorism for his own amusement. But let’s be real. College exams are already a performative circus of anxiety. You’re telling me a loud metronome is the breaking point? You were already gonna fail that organic chemistry test regardless, Karen.
On the other hand, this is peak “Old Man Yells at Cloud” energy. The dude is probably in his late 50s, still wearing a tweed jacket with elbow patches, and gets off on the smell of student tears. He’s the guy who writes “See me after class” on a test just to watch you squirm. He’s the final boss of academic pettiness.
And he got *tenure* for it. Let that sink in. Tenure. The golden ticket that means he can never be fired, no matter how many brain aneurysms he causes. He could literally bring a fog machine and strobe lights to the next exam and the university would probably give him a raise. “Unique teaching methodology,” my ass.
The real question is: what’s next? Will other professors follow his lead? Are we about to see the rise of the “Scream Exam” where students have to solve calculus problems while a live stream of a cat being chased by a Roomba plays on loop? God, I hope so.
For now, Dr. Hendricks is the undisputed king of academic trolling. He’s the guy who found a loophole in the system and exploited it with the precision of a neurosurgeon. He’s the villain we didn’t know we needed. He’s the reason your tuition went up by 3% this year. And honestly?
Final Thoughts
Having covered everything from political summits to cultural festivals, I’ve learned that the true measure of an event isn’t its production value or even its attendance numbers—it’s the residual energy it leaves in the room once the lights go up. Too often, we mistake spectacle for substance, forgetting that the most powerful gatherings are those that shift a conversation or forge an unexpected human connection. Ultimately, the best events don't just fill a calendar slot; they create a before-and-after, a quiet but undeniable alteration in the collective mindset of those who were present.