Guy Accidentally Wastes 10 Hours Of His Life Because He Didn't Know His Wristwatch Had A Stopwatch Function
NEW YORK – In a stunning display of human incompetence that has the scientific community questioning if we even deserve opposable thumbs, local man Brandon T. Grimes, 34, is reportedly “devastated” after discovering that the wristwatch he has worn every single day for the past seven years came equipped with a fully functional stopwatch feature he never knew existed.
According to sources close to the situation—and by sources, I mean Brandon’s extremely fed-up wife, Karen—the revelation occurred during a routine dinner party when a friend casually asked for the time on a specific runner’s mile split. Brandon, a man who has apparently never encountered a single piece of technology more complicated than a toaster, simply stared at his wrist.
“I saw him frantically mashing the crown of his watch like it was a malfunctioning arcade button,” Karen told reporters while visibly calculating the emotional labor of her marriage. “He looked like a monkey trying to fuck a football. After a solid 45 seconds of this, he just goes, ‘Uh, I think it’s broken. It keeps resetting to zero.’”
It was at that precise moment that a guest, a certified watch nerd who probably wears tweed unironically, leaned over, tapped the crown twice, and said, “Oh, you’re just in stopwatch mode, dude. Press the bottom button to start.”
The room went silent. Brandon’s soul left his body. Karen’s eye twitched. And somewhere in the heavens, a single, solitary forehead slap echoed across the cosmos.
“I thought the little hand moving really fast was just… a style choice,” Brandon later confessed through muffled sobs. “I thought it was like a fidget spinner, but for your wrist.”
Let’s be real, folks. We all know a Brandon. Hell, some of you are probably Brandons right now, reading this article while your own watch is doing God knows what in some forgotten app drawer of your life. But this specific flavor of ignorance deserves a special place in the Hall of Shame of Basic Adulting.
The watch in question is a mid-range Seiko quartz chronograph—a piece of machinery so standard that it comes with a 12-page manual written in seven languages, including “Pictograms for People Who Eat Glue.” The stopwatch feature is clearly marked with a subdial labeled “60” and a pusher button engraved with the word “START/STOP.”
“It’s not like it was hidden behind a secret menu or a three-button Konami code,” said Horology expert Dr. Lisa Chen, who was visibly struggling to maintain her professional composure. “This is the equivalent of buying a car and not realizing it has a steering wheel because you’ve been using the emergency brake to steer.”
The implications of Brandon’s oversight are, frankly, staggering. For seven years—that’s over 61,000 hours—Brandon has been living in a world where he was functionally incapable of timing a hard-boiled egg, tracking a parking meter, or proving to his buddies that his mile time wasn’t a complete fabrication. He has been, for all intents and purposes, chronographically disabled.
“I timed a three-minute egg once,” Brandon recalled, his voice distant. “I just… stared at the second hand and counted. Out loud. At my wife’s Easter brunch. People thought I was having a stroke. That was the year we stopped getting invited to her sister’s house.”
The internet, predictably, has had a field day.
On Reddit, the post detailing Brandon’s saga (titled “AITA for telling my husband he’s a goddamn decorative accessory?”) has racked up over 47,000 upvotes. The top comment, unsurprisingly, reads: “YTA for wasting a perfectly good Seiko on a man whose brain is running on a 1987 Casio calculator watch.”
Another user added: “Bro, I bet you still think the ‘crown’ is for royalty. This is the same energy as people who don’t know their car has a gas cap release lever.”
But here’s the kicker, and the reason this story is actually going viral in the way a particularly juicy dumpster fire goes viral: Brandon is doubling down. He has announced he will not be learning any other features of his watch.
“I don’t need a stopwatch,” he declared, crossing his arms like a toddler refusing to eat his vegetables. “If God wanted me to measure elapsed time, He would have given me an iPhone. Stopwatch mode is a slippery slope. Next thing you know, I’ll be learning about the date function, and then where does it end? I’ll be calculating moon phases for my retirement plan. No thank you. I’m a minimalist.”
Karen is reportedly now looking into divorce attorneys who specialize in “irreconcilable technological incompetence.” The watch itself has been placed into a protective evidence bag, presumably to be used as Exhibit A in the trial of Why Men Can’t Have Nice Things.
So, the next time you see a guy staring at his wrist for longer than is socially acceptable, just remember: he might not be lost in deep thought. He might not be checking a notification. He might just be Brandon, trying to figure out why his fancy handcuff isn’t telling him when the pizza rolls are done. And honestly? That’s the most American thing I’ve heard all week.
Final Thoughts
After spending years chasing deadlines and watching history unfold in increments of seconds, I've come to see time not as a fixed line but as a currency we spend with varying degrees of wisdom. The article reminds us that our perception of time is a fragile negotiation between memory and anticipation—a truth any seasoned journalist knows from covering both the instant tragedy and the slow-burning story. Ultimately, the most honest conclusion is that time’s value lies not in its quantity, but in the quality of attention we bring to the moments that matter.