**Florida Man Fails Basic Math, Claims RSA Encryption Is "Racist Against White People"**
ORLANDO, FL — In a stunning display of what experts are calling "the dumbest thing anyone has said this week, and it's only Tuesday," a Florida man is going viral after filing a formal complaint with the state government alleging that the RSA encryption algorithm—the backbone of modern internet security—is "systemically racist against white people" because it contains a "hidden woke agenda" in its prime number selection.
Yes, you read that right. 2024 is truly the gift that keeps on giving, like a fruitcake that's been sitting in a garage since 1998.
Meet Kevin "The Kracken" Thompson, 47, a self-described "crypto guru" and "patriot" who claims to have "cracked the code" on Big Math's latest conspiracy. According to a 14-page manifesto he posted on Truth Social (where else?), RSA encryption is mathematically rigged to favor non-white ethnic groups because the algorithm "secretly picks prime numbers from a list that was created by the Council on Foreign Relations and George Soros."
Bro, I can't. I literally cannot.
For the three people reading this who don't spend their weekends crying over Diffie-Hellman key exchanges, RSA encryption works by multiplying two large prime numbers together to create a public key. It's the mathematical equivalent of locking your front door with a padlock that only two specific keys can open. It's been around since 1977. It's used by your bank, your email, your WhatsApp messages, and literally every secure transaction on the internet. It is, by any objective measure, one of the most successful and well-understood algorithms in human history.
But Kevin from Florida, who probably still thinks "two-factor authentication" is a dating app feature, has a problem with it. Specifically, he's mad that the algorithm doesn't have enough "white prime numbers."
"Look, I did the research," Kevin told our reporter during a phone interview that we immediately regretted taking. "I ran the numbers on my laptop. I found that 89% of the primes used in RSA encryption are odd numbers. Now, statistically, white people make up about 60% of the US population. So why are 89% of these primes 'odd'? That's a 29% overrepresentation. It's basically affirmative action for numbers that don't pay taxes."
I want you to read that again. Out loud. Preferably in a crowded coffee shop.
Kevin's logic, which I can only describe as "aggressively stupid," goes like this: He believes that "odd" is a code word for "diverse" or "non-white" because odd numbers are "unexpected" and "break the pattern." Meanwhile, even numbers (2, 4, 6, 8) are "stable, predictable, and orderly"—code words for "white," apparently.
"Two is the only even prime number," Kevin explained, his voice trembling with the righteous fury of a man who just discovered that his local library has a "Drag Queen Story Hour." "And two is literally the smallest prime. It's being marginalized. It's the quiet kid in the back of the math class. The algorithm is practically screaming 'white genocide' at this point."
Look, I'm not a mathematician. I failed calculus twice and my understanding of advanced encryption is roughly equivalent to a golden retriever's understanding of quantum physics. But even I know that the definition of a prime number hasn't changed since Euclid died in 300 BC. A prime number is a number greater than 1 that has no positive divisors other than 1 and itself. It doesn't care about your feelings. It doesn't care about your politics. It doesn't care about your MAGA hat or your BLM shirt. It's a number. It's math. It's the one thing in this godforsaken timeline that should be above human stupidity.
And yet, here we are.
Kevin's complaint, which he filed with the Florida Department of Agriculture and Consumer Services (because apparently that's where you go when you think numbers are racist), demands that the state of Florida immediately ban the use of RSA encryption in all government communications until "a fair, inclusive, and non-woke prime number selection process can be established."
His proposed solution? "We should only use the prime numbers 2, 3, 5, and maybe 7. And we should use 2 twice as often as any other number because it's the most 'traditional' and 'American' prime. 2 stands for two parents, two genders, two cars in the garage. You know, the good stuff."
I have to stop for a moment and just stare at a wall.
Let me be very clear about something: the man is suggesting that we cripple global internet security because he thinks prime numbers have a political affiliation. He wants to replace a mathematically proven, 50-year-old encryption standard with a system that would be crackable by a moderately gifted teenager with a Raspberry Pi.
This is the same energy as someone complaining that The Shawshank Redemption is "too woke" because the main character is a white guy who gets falsely accused of murder. It's not a conspiracy. It's just how the story works.
The internet, predictably, has had a field day.
On Reddit's r/AmITheAngel, a parody post titled "AITA for telling my cousin that prime numbers aren't part of the deep state?" racked up 78,000 upvotes in six hours. Top comment: "YTA. You're gatekeeping math. Let him have his safe space where 2 is the only number that matters. It's called 'monogamy.'"
On X (formerly Twitter, now a hellscape), a user going by @MathIsNotRacist posted: "I'm a black mathematician. I've been using RSA encryption for years. Am I a race traitor? Or am I just a person who understands how multiplication works? The world may never know."
Another user, @WhitePrimesMatter, posted a photoshopped image of Euclid wearing a "Let's Go Brandon" hat. It got 15,000 retweets before being fact
Final Thoughts
Having closely followed the geopolitical chess game surrounding the "RSA country" narrative, it's clear that the term has been weaponized to conflate legitimate land reform with racial persecution—a distortion that ignores the complex, post-apartheid reality on the ground. From what I’ve seen, both in policy documents and on the ground, the real story is not a binary of "white farmers versus the state," but a painful, necessary, and often mismanaged struggle to correct centuries of land dispossession. The international uproar feels less like genuine concern for human rights and more like a selective memory, where the West conveniently forgets its own bloody history of property redistribution while judging South Africa’s unfinished business.