iPhone 16 Pro Max Leaks Show Apple Finally Invented Something That Already Existed (And Will Still Cost You A Kidney)
Cupertino, CA – In a groundbreaking move that has absolutely no one surprised, Apple is reportedly gearing up to release the iPhone 16 Pro Max Ultra Plus (or whatever the hell they’re calling it this year) with a feature so revolutionary, so innovative, that it makes the moon landing look like a failed microwave experiment. According to the latest leaks from the Chinese supply chain—because nothing says “secure innovation” like a factory worker in Shenzhen filming a prototype on their burner phone—the new flagship will finally include… wait for it… a physical button that actually does something useful.
Buckle up, buttercups, because your 2024 upgrade is about to be the most aggressively mid thing you’ve ever spent $1,500 on.
First up on the “we totally didn’t rip this off from Android” list: the new “Capture Button.” Yes, you read that right. Apple, the company that removed the headphone jack to sell you $30 dongles and then removed the charging brick to save the environment (but still ships the phone in a plastic-wrapped box), is now adding a dedicated camera shutter button. This is the same company that told us for years that “software-based controls are the future” and that “a button is an antiquated input method.” But hey, it’s 2024, and apparently the future is… a button. A button that works exactly like the one on every Samsung Galaxy S20 from 2019. But it’s curved. And it’s made of sapphire crystal. And it costs $200 extra via the “Pro” tax. So it’s different.
AITA for thinking Apple fans will still call this “courageous innovation” while ignoring that their phone will still overheat during a TikTok scroll?
But wait, there’s more. The leaks are also suggesting that the iPhone 16 Pro Max will feature a “periscope lens” for 5x optical zoom. Let me just check my notes here… Oh right, Samsung put a periscope lens in the Galaxy S20 Ultra in 2020. That was four years ago. Four. Years. Apple is now catching up to where Android was during the first year of the pandemic. But don’t worry, they’ll market it as “Pro-Level Zoom” and charge you an extra $300 for the privilege of taking blurry photos of your cat from across the room. And the best part? The leaked renders show the camera bump is now so thick that if you lay the phone flat on a table, it basically becomes a seesaw. Hope you like your desk having a permanent 15-degree tilt.
And let’s talk about the display. The iPhone 16 Pro Max is rumored to have a 6.9-inch screen. That’s not a phone anymore. That’s a cutting board with cellular capabilities. You’ll need cargo shorts just to carry this beast, and even then, it’ll probably snap your belt loops. But hey, at least you’ll be able to watch a 4:3 aspect ratio video with 87% black bars on each side. Apple Intelligence? More like Apple Inconvenience. The screen will also get a new brightness level that’s “2,000 nits peak HDR.” Great. Now you can damage your retinas while checking Instagram at 2 PM in direct sunlight. Finally, a phone that doubles as a welding mask.
The most hilarious rumor, though, is the return of the “Action Button” from the iPhone 15 Pro, but now it’s… wait for it… customizable. Wow. A programmable button. Samsung had Bixby keys. Xiaomi has customizable sliders. OnePlus has alert sliders that have been around since 2015. But Apple is calling it “a new era of user interaction.” Sure, Jan. You can set it to open the camera, launch the flashlight, or—if you’re feeling spicy—trigger a Shortcut that sends a text to your ex at 3 AM. The possibilities are endless, provided you have the patience of a saint and the memory of a goldfish to navigate the Settings menu to configure it.
Oh, and the processor. The A18 Bionic chip will apparently be “the most powerful mobile chip ever.” That’s cute. It’s also going to thermal throttle faster than a mustang in a school zone. Apple’s chips are great, but they’re basically space heaters with a GPU. You’ll be able to render 4K video in real-time, but your phone will also double as a hand warmer during winter. And in summer? Well, hope you like your phone shutting down when you try to record a 4-minute video at the beach. But hey, at least it’ll be “carbon neutral” when you inevitably throw it in the ocean out of frustration.
Now, let’s address the elephant in the room: the price. Rumors peg the iPhone 16 Pro Max starting at $1,399 for the base model. That’s a down payment on a used Honda Civic. That’s a month’s rent in Cleveland. That’s 14 Chipotle burritos with guac. And for that price, you get a phone that still uses a Lightning port (wait, no, actually they’re switching to USB-C because the EU forced them to, but they’ll probably lock the fast charging behind a “Made for iPhone” cable that costs $60). You get a phone that still has a notch—sorry, “Dynamic Island”—because they need to sell you the “no notch” version next year as a revolutionary upgrade. You get a phone that has a battery that lasts… well, probably the same 5 hours of screen-on time before you’re tethered to a power bank like a hospital patient.
And the worst part? People will line up for this. Grown adults will camp outside Apple Stores in November, wearing matching jackets, to buy a device that does essentially the same thing as the phone they already have, but with a slightly better camera and a button that their Android-using friends have been
Final Thoughts
Having tracked Apple’s supply chain whispers for over a decade, I’ve learned that the most tantalizing rumors—like a periscope zoom or a new titanium chassis—often survive the hype cycle, only to land in a form more refined than revolutionary. While the prospect of a USB-C port finally breaking the Lightning monopoly feels overdue, the real story here isn’t the incremental specs; it’s how Apple continues to master the art of selling us the future we already expected. My conclusion: save your breath for the September event, because until Tim Cook steps on that stage, every leaked render is just a well-dressed guess.