California Man Filmed Doing CPR on Toilet During Earthquake, Internet Divided on Whether He’s a Hero or Just Really, Really Constipated
SAN FRANCISCO—In what experts are calling either a stunning display of civic heroism or the most relatable moment in human history, a Bay Area man became the internet’s latest unlikely star after a bystander filmed him performing chest compressions on a public toilet during this morning’s 5.2 magnitude earthquake. Yes, you read that correctly. While the rest of California was diving under desks, screaming into group chats, and pretending they wouldn’t absolutely perish in a real disaster, one man looked at a shaking porcelain throne and thought, “This bad boy needs a second chance.”
The video, which has already racked up 14 million views on TikTok (because of course it has), shows a man in his mid-30s, wearing a slightly stained “I Survived the 90s” t-shirt, crouched over a standard-issue mall toilet. As the ground rumbles and shelves tumble in the background, he presses down on the toilet lid with the rhythmic precision of a paramedic who’s been hitting the Red Bull a little too hard. “Come on, buddy!” he yells, sweat dripping from his brow. “Stay with me! Stay with me!”
Look, I get it. Earthquakes are terrifying. The ground turns into a Jell-O mold that’s been left out too long, your brain screams “RUN” but your legs are like “lol nope,” and suddenly you’re questioning every life choice that led you to living in a state that’s actively trying to yeet itself into the ocean. But this guy? This guy saw a toilet and decided it needed CPR. That’s not just a fight-or-flight response. That’s a fight-or-flight-or-resuscitate-a-fiberglass-shitter response.
Naturally, the internet has opinions. This is 2025, so we can’t just have a nice, normal viral video where everyone agrees the guy is a lunatic. We have to have discourse. We have to have thinkpieces. We have to have Twitter threads from people who have never touched grass explaining why this is a microcosm of the collapse of Western civilization.
“This man is a hero,” wrote u/QuakeProofMyBowl on Reddit. “In a moment of pure chaos, he didn’t panic. He didn’t run. He saw a piece of infrastructure under duress and he acted. That toilet was probably having a cardiac event. The pipes were clogged. The water was sloshing. He applied basic life support to a plumbing fixture. Respect.”
Okay, fair point. You know how many people freeze during emergencies? A lot. You know how many people instinctively know the correct compression rate (100-120 per minute) to the tune of “Stayin’ Alive” by the Bee Gees? Not many. This guy clearly has his priorities straight. If I’m ever having a heart attack in a public restroom, I want this man there, even if he mistakes me for a urinal cake dispenser.
But then there’s the other side. The side that’s asking the real question: Was he trying to save the toilet, or was he just *really* constipated and trying to force a log out through sheer, rhythmic desperation?
“I’m sorry, but no one does that to a toilet unless they have a personal stake in it,” commented u/PlumberCrisis. “That man was in a fight with a stubborn turd, and the earthquake was just his alibi. He knew the video was being taken. He knew he’d look like a saint. But deep down, he was just trying to coax a ghost poo into the water supply. We’ve all been there.”
This theory has legs. Actually, let’s be real, it’s probably the right one. Have you ever been in a public bathroom during an earthquake? The fear isn’t just the building collapsing. The fear is that the building collapses *while you’re mid-push*. Your last thought on this mortal coil would be “Well, at least I’ll be buried with my shame.” This man might have simply been locked in a battle of wills with his own lower intestine, and the earthquake was just a very dramatic soundtrack.
The toilet, for the record, is reportedly fine. A mall spokesperson confirmed that the fixture “sustained no physical damage” but is “currently undergoing emotional evaluation.” So, job well done?
Psychologists are having a field day. Dr. Karen Mills, a trauma expert from Stanford who definitely doesn’t spend her free time doomscrolling, told us, “In moments of acute stress, people revert to routine. If his routine involves aggressively pounding on toilets, then that’s what he’s going to do. It’s a coping mechanism. It’s no different than a chef who starts chopping onions during an air raid siren.”
Another expert, Dr. Leo “Not His Real Name” from the “I Saw This on Reddit” Institute, offered a different take: “He’s clearly a sociopath. Normal people run. He saw a camera. He saw a toilet. He saw a chance at 15 minutes of fame. He’s probably already got a GoFundMe for his ‘heroic efforts’ and a Cameo account where he’ll shout ‘CLEAR!’ at your Zoom calls for $20.”
The man himself, identified only as “Chad” (because of course), gave a brief, totally not rehearsed statement to a local news crew. “I just saw a life in danger,” he said, wiping a single, perfectly timed tear from his eye. “In that moment, it wasn’t a toilet. It was a patient. It was my father. It was my country. I had to do something.”
Chad’s GoFundMe, titled “Toilet Hero Needs a New Back,” has already raised $4,000. He’s also reportedly in talks with a major energy drink brand for a sponsorship deal. The tagline? “Quake. Pounding. Refreshment.”
This whole situation is a
Final Thoughts
Having covered seismic events for decades, the pattern here is both familiar and sobering: while this tremor caused no major structural damage, it's a stark reminder that California's infrastructure—particularly its aging water systems and roads—was built for a different era of seismic risk. What strikes me most is the public's increasing complacency; we've normalized these jolts to the point where preparedness kits gather dust, yet the "Big One" isn't a matter of if, but when. Ultimately, today's quake should be a wake-up call, not for panic, but for the humble recognition that nature's schedule doesn't care about our budget cycles or political will.