SHOCKING NEW EVIDENCE REVEALS PHOEBE BRIDGERS TOUR DATES ARE A FRONT FOR ILLEGAL GARDEN GNOME SMUGGLING RING!
JUST IN—A WHISTLEBLOWER FROM INSIDE THE POP STAR'S INNER CIRCLE HAS SPILLED THE BEANS! SOURCES CLAIM THAT THE UPCOMING PHOEBE BRIDGERS TOUR IS NOT ABOUT THE MUSIC AT ALL! ANOMALOUSLY LARGE CRATES, STAMPED WITH THE CODE NAME 'OPERATION MOONDUST,' ARE BEING SHIPPED BETWEEN VENUES! ARE THEY GUITARS? SPEAKERS? NO! INSIDERS SAY THEY CONTAIN RARE AND ILLEGAL GARDEN GNOMES SMUGGLED FROM ANCIENT EUROPEAN CASTLES! FANS ARE STUNNED! IS YOUR FAVORITE ARTIST A MASTERMIND OF THE BLACK MARKET DECOR UNDERWORLD? THE TRUTH ABOUT THE PHOEBE BRIDGERS TOUR IS DARKER AND WEIRDER THAN ANY LYRICS SHE COULD WRITE! STAY TUNED!