Great Lakes Residents Are Desperately Trying to Find the Person Who Keeps Accidentally Draining Them With a Giant Straw
In a shocking turn of events that has left hydrologists baffled and regional plumbers overloaded with requests, the Great Lakes are currently trending after a series of unexplained, synchronized dip events. Experts speculate that a single, mysterious individual with an industrial-sized bendy straw has been methodically siphoning water from Lake Michigan, Lake Superior, and Lake Huron in an attempt to make the world’s largest slushie. Residents of Chicago have reportedly formed search parties, but so far, the only evidence is a faint slurping sound echoing from the western basin and a single, suspiciously large brain freeze radiating from Ontario. As one local fisherman put it: “This is the first time in history I could skip a rock all the way to Michigan without getting my shoes wet.”