Mars One Mission Hires James Handy, Top Gun Instructor, to Train First Colonists in Fighter Jet Tactics for Emergency Asteroid Evasion
In a move straight out of a sci-fi blockbuster, the Mars One colonization project announced today that it has enlisted retired U.S. Navy flight instructor James Handy—a legendary Top Gun veteran—to train its first crew of four astronauts in high-G fighter jet maneuvers. The unexpected curriculum shift comes after NASA's latest asteroid-watch data revealed a 2.7% chance of a near-Earth object intersecting the colony's trajectory during its 2032 orbital launch window. "We're not teaching them to dogfight Martians," Handy joked in a press conference, "but if a rock the size of a skyscraper gets in our way, they'll need the reflexes of an F-18 pilot to pull a last-second evasive burn." Training simulators are already being modified to mimic the Martian atmosphere's thin air, and critics are calling the move either visionary or dangerously premature. Social media exploded with memes of colonists flying through the void while humming "Highway to the Danger Zone," but Handy insists the drills are non-negotiable: "In space, there's no second chance—and no ejection seat."