DISGRUNTLED FARMER BLAMES DEAD CROPS ON MYSTERIOUS SPACE PLASMA – EXPERTS ALIGNING THE STARS WITH THE GEOMAGNETIC STORM!
JUST IN – A DELUSIONAL MIDWESTERN TOMATO-GROWER IS CLAIMING "SPACE CLOUDS OF PURE ANGER" FRIED HIS ENTIRE HARVEST, AND CRAZILY, SCIENTISTS ARE SAYING HE'S NOT TOTALLY WRONG! THE GEOMAGNETIC STORM THAT STUNNED GLOBAL SATELLITES JUST HIT GROUND ZERO—AND IT'S MUTATING LIVING TISSUE!
FARMER BOB GRIMM, 59, TOLD REPORTERS HIS PUMPKINS "STOPPED SMILING" AND TURNED "ELECTRIC PURPLE" AFTER LAST WEEK'S X-CLASS SOLAR FLARE. "IT LOOKED LIKE ALIENS VAPED ON MY SOIL!" HE WAILED.
BUT HERE'S THE SHOCKER: NASA INSIDERS ADMIT THE GEOMAGNETIC STORM RIPPED THROUGH THE MAGNETOSPHERE AT 4 MILLION MILES PER HOUR, DUMPING CHARGED PARTICLES DIRECTLY INTO CORNFIELDS! ANONYMOUS SOURCES CLAIM THE GOVERNMENT IS TRACKING THE DAMAGE—AND A SECOND STORM IS COMING STRAIGHT FOR OUR DAMS!
ARE THESE THE "END TIMES" CROPS? WATCH YOUR SALAD BOWLS—THIS GEOMAGNETIC STORM IS TURNING HISTORY INTO A SCIENCE FICTION HORROR SHOW!