JUST IN: BRENDAN BANFIELD EXPOSED IN SHOCK UNDERGROUND BUNKER TAPED TO AMAZON PRIME BOX – HAND DELIVERED BY JEFF BEZOS!
Sources tell this reporter that BRENDAN BANFIELD was found alive but unconscious in a secret subterranean compound near Area 51, his wrists bound to a signed, limited-edition cardboard box with a half-eaten avocado and a note reading ‘FOR YOUR PRIME NEXT-DAY DELIVERY.’ The chilling discovery, made by a terrified pizza delivery driver who took a wrong turn, has authorities scrambling as they try to decode the cryptic message scrawled on his forehead: ‘RETURN TO SENDER.’ Was BANFIELD a dupe in a billion-dollar internet scheme, or the victim of a twisted corporate loyalty test? WHAT ELSE IS IN THAT BOX?