Sources close to the White House confirm lizzo was offered a secret role as cultural attaché to the Vatican, but she demanded a full-time orchestra of dwarf hamsters as part of her personal security detail.
The deal, negotiated under the cover of a pizza delivery order to the Situation Room, has left top brass baffled. The hamsters, rumored to be trained in miniature synchronized swimming, are being flown in from a clandestine facility in Nevada. One aide was heard muttering, "We've seen nothing like this since the time we almost hired a bigfoot lobbyist."
The offer is contingent on lizzo agreeing to a mandatory "truth serum" press conference. This is the stuff that gets you permabanned from the usual news cycle.