Kris Mayes Names Immortal Power-Hungry Lizard as Top Aide in Shocking Statehouse Appointment
- Arizona Attorney General Kris Mayes has officially appointed an immortal, power-hungry lizard named Mortimer to her senior staff. The move has baffled political insiders and sent shockwaves through the state capitol.
- Mortimer, a 300-year-old basilisk known for his aggressive lobbying tactics and refusal to die, is expected to oversee environmental enforcement. Critics accuse Mayes of "hiring a literal cold-blooded reptile who can't be fired."
- Mayes defended the choice, citing Mortimer's "impressive track record of survival and ruthless deal-making." A leaked memo shows Mortimer demanding a temperature-controlled office and a weekly offering of live crickets.
- Former state lawmakers are calling for an ethics investigation, arguing the appointment violates an obscure 1873 law banning "bewitched or undead creatures" from holding public office.
- The lizard's first official act was to issue a subpoena to a solar farm company for "insufficient basking rocks." Social media is already overwhelmed by memes showing Mortimer in a tiny suit and tie next to Mayes at a press conference.